Allow Me to Introduce Myself

I’m upset tonight. Irritated and sad all at the same time. I think I need to be on anti anxiety pills. Either way, I don’t think this will ever change the fact that I am antisocial. I take that back. I don’t think I am the definition of antisocial. What I do know: I pick crowds. If it’s not my crowd… it never will be. Probably a bad quality that I shouldn’t admit, but its the truth.  I’m not a fan of asininity. Is that bad to say? Let me try to rephrase that: I’m not a fan of unintelligent people. Heh. Okay, that didn’t work the way that I thought it would. Let me, instead, try to explain what it is I am talking about:

I have never been or been a fan of girls who act stupid to get attention. There’s one. I am attracted to intelligence and intelligent humor. Wittiness, “dry” humor, sarcasm in good taste… that’s me. I like those things, and I can actually contribute to conversation. Dumb actions… people doing stupid things just to do it or maybe even to fit in… Hate it. I don’t know how to describe this at all unless you are just on the same page as I am. I’m a big stickler for being who you are and being accepted for that, and if you’re not, you’re not. Go find others who will. I am who I am and I can’t really change that… and be happy, that is. I wasn’t put on this earth to please other people. As far as I’m concerned, I was put here to please the Lord- other than that, you’d have to ask Him because I’m still not certain of my purpose. You don’t need anyone except Jesus and that pretty much is true for me. Always has been. I don’t fit in, and I will admit that with confidence. I’m kind of awkward in big crowds, I tend to feel like I am suffocating, and I blush- a lot. Pretty nerdy too often. Find interest in the most random/useless things… I absolutely love to learn- despite what it may be. And I tend to be a pessimist. That doesn’t necessarily make me the life of the party. Don’t get me wrong, I have several close friends that I feel totally comfortable doing practically anything with/in front of. But that takes a long time. Friends for me take a long time. I sort of learned the hard way in high school from one close friendship going really really wrong… and I’ve kept my distance since. I don’t want to say that the past affects a lot of how I feel/think about certain aspects of life, but it does. It has a lot to do with it. And I have tried my best to prevent it and/or work on it, but these things don’t necessarily change in one night either. Trust first. Feeling comfortable with that change is second, and then working on it comes third… and it’s a slow third place. I am trying, but some things I stand behind won’t change, and that’s just me being me. I dislike drinking- mostly in part of the fact that alcoholism runs in the family. Don’t plan on ever taking/doing any destructive drugs- mostly in part of the fact that I believe your body is a temple for Christ. And it is not often that I will be swayed in my opinion or beliefs… ever. Everyone has a vice. That’s mine.

I want to apologize to anyone I have ever hurt because of my insecurities, antisocialness, inability to trust to the fullest extent, and/or because I happen to be a stubborn bitch at times. Forgive me- and you don’t even have to tell me that you did. I am human. And with that statement comes only too much hypocrisy, void, and unfulfilled personal and impersonal expectations.

I think my writing habits are pretty funny as of late. I didn’t intend on updating as recently as I have, but I’ve noticed that I actually miss writing my thoughts more often than not. Definitely takes a lot of weight off sometimes. I will say that I have a lot of baggage, and most of it, I leave here. If I didn’t, I’d feel pretty sorry for a lot of the people I hang out with on the regular. Probably wouldn’t be that nice- which sucks more for who? That I don’t know. Me and them equally.

I had a bad night tonight. I didn’t want things to end the way they did. But when its two bulls and olny one fight to win… the horns eventually clash- more than once.

-Cierra Nicole

I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am…
Fine

After Words

I’m exceptionally bored at the moment, and I can honestly say it has been a long time since I’ve felt this way. I’m probably going to go workout considering I’m sort of in the swing of doing that regularly as of late, but before I head out, I’d like to just say that I encourage anyone and everyone to read The Shack by William P. Young and then if you enjoyed that, you should move to So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore by Jake Colsen. (How many commons can I put into one sentence? I was never good with them in school anyway…)

Cierra Nicole

Call your name every day when I feel so helpless
I’ve fallen down but I’ll rise above this

General

So, I was informed recently that I never write in this anymore… and that I should because I am bound to always have an audience. I’m not so sure if I agree with the second part of the statement as much as I do the first half- for it is the most obvious.

Probably the number one reason why I have not felt the urge to update on anything on my life as of late: Because I honestly have no idea how I necessarily feel about anything. Actually, that’s a lie. I do know how I feel about almost everything occurring/has occurred in  life the last passed year or so. The problem I am having is converging my multiple stand points on everything into one single idea/position- to at least where I don’t sound completely hypocritical.

I’m celebrating my 21st birthday tomorrow evening-technically today considering the time- and I’m pretty excited about it. Of course, I celebrated it earlier this week… if you consider being locked in Johnson City and not being able to see much of my family while conintuing to go to class all day much of a celebration. Anyway, the parties tomorrow, and for some reason I am kind of surprised by the people who are attending. Well, not surprised, but for a lack of a better word for the time being it will have to do. Is it weird that I am more comfortable with Brenna’s side of the family than my own? I know that’s a weird statement, but it’s the truth all the same. My family has never really acted much like a family… My immediate family IS a family… but that family is sort of antisocial toward the rest of the family? If that makes any sense whatsoever. Regardless, I kind of like my family like that, and I would never change the fact. Like I was saying, Most of Brenna’s family will be there… considering they’ve been family for over four years, but so will some of my other family (the ones we are antisocial toward) which is weird… so weird. Almost, too weird, but just almost. So, it’s almost as if I’m introducing my new family to my old. Kind of funny to think about, I think. I guess my point- sort of- in this entire ramble is basically how fast life changes… especially in one year. Friends, ideas, and opportunities have all changed, and I think they are for the better. I know I’m happier… even though I had to go through a lot to get here- basically all of it being things people don’t necessarily like and/or agree with.

I don’t really know where I am going with this, but I will say that I still think a lot… and I’ve decided that it plagues me. After all these years, I’ve finally come to that conclusion.

Other than that, Love Jesus your Savior. Read The Inheritance Trilogy, The Shack, and Redeeming Love. And believe in something that is true to you and no one else- if you decided to tell them, of course.

-Cierra Nicole

Thorta du ilumëo!

Update.

Work, work. I need more hours. As of late, I’ve only had the chance to work twice a week. Unfortunately, my boss hired too many new people, and the hours are really lacking. I have two different rents due in two weeks… And I’m sort of disappointed in myself for not saving more when school was still in. Since my dog, Ax, has been treated for heartworms, the bills keep coming. I would have done whatever it took to treat Ax, but it hits hard knowing that I would have had an extra $900 left in my account if he were never sick. I blame myself for that anyway… I should have paid more attention.

Besides work, nothing new has really taken place in my life.

This is a pretty lame update, but I hope to talk about a few more things next post.

For the Dreamers.

I feel like writing so I’m going to try it out.
The semester is coming to an end. I’m ready for it. I’ve been ready for it since the second week of class. My last project is going to be intense. It doesn’t have to be, but I prefer going out in flames. I’m pretty stoked about it. Actually, I’ve been pretty excited the last few weeks. I hit it hard this semester and it paid off. I recently had a few of my art professors pull me aside and tell me what they think about my work. They told me exactly what they think I should pull out for my portfolio pieces that would get me noticed. It’s weird getting attention from professors anyway because I try to stay unnoticed in class, but I couldn’t avoid that this semester. I entered some art work into a showcase hosted by the Digital Arts through our school and won my category. Supposedly, my piece and some information on the artist will be published in a monthly magazine. Also, a museum will be showing it at the end of next month for viewing.
I never thought I would be taking my sketches to the computer screen. Not in a million years would I have thought last year that I could pick up any of the Adobe programs in about three weeks and be able to produce contest winning pieces. I have to thank God for all of this. This is so new to me. I knew that leaving UT to start a major in the Digital Arts at ETSU would open up other opportunities, but I honestly thought it might have been for the worst. I had yet to hear my mother tell me she was glad I had made the decision to drop PreMed for Art until one week ago. You would have thought the phone cut out during that conversation besides the huge smile I wore on my face. I don’t remember saying much at all. I just held the phone to my ear. I know my parents would have been proud of me no matter what I chose to do… but I always thought that the status of being a surgeon or owning my own practice would have pleased them more than anything. I was wrong…. Fortunately, I was very wrong. All I remember from that conversation was one of the last things my mother said:
“I am so proud of you. This is what you were born to do. That God-given talent will take you further than any diploma ever will.”

A friend of mine was prophesied over this past month. I was so glad to hear it. Praise God. She is destined to do great things. She wants to open an all girls orphanage in Africa. Lets all pray for that. She also wants me to be apart of it. Come to teach art. Another opportunity. I was talking to Dave about this tonight. I want to do more. If God gave me this talent, I’m sure going to give back just as much or more. I just cannot see myself sitting in front of a computer somewhere in a cubical animating a single strand of hair on some overly beautiful female character swaying in the wind… and finish it only to work on the next hair. No thanks. I went into this major believing I had this talent for a reason, and I still believe that. I’ve got to get somewhere. It’s something I like to call determination, and I will see it out.
As for now, pray for me and all the other people chasing their dreams. If there were no dreamers, what would be left of this world? What would there be left to change?

I’m still searching. Still figthing. Still anticipating the end. I have a lot on my mind- always. Another quiet night in my room, and I’m thinking of sleeping soon. Some of my best thinking comes during the night, and the morning comes too soon.

-Cierra Nicole

For my part, I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream. -Vincent van Gogh

Still In Repair

Last night was quite possibly one of the best nights I have had in years. The simplicity of it was phenomenal. It was easy. It was love.
My brother is sick again. For all of you who might not know, he was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis(UC) last year. If you don’t think you are familiar with this condition, you are if you know Aaron Case. I’ve seen this condition do so much damage already. First, I started to attend this wonderful church known as Southside Baptist Church where I continued to meet some of the best mentors of my life: Aaron and Jamie Case and Dave Cross (Don’t get too big of a head, Dave.) From that moment on, I witnessed Aaron affected by this condition more than once, which also affected his lovely wife, Jamie. It was hard for me to understand how such good people were affected by such a non forgiving disease. What was even harder to understand was their attitude toward it… And how their faith in our Lord Jesus Christ never faltered. I admire that more than anything. Even I continue to struggle with understanding all of God’s intentions. If you haven’t had the chance to meet these three people mentioned above, you should.
Last year, when I thought my brother may possibly have Crohn’s Disease, I hit a really low point in my life. I was praying more than ever, but I questioned God’s intentions even more. Fortunately, my brother wasn’t diagnosed with Crohn’s but with it’s brother disease… And I don’t think I ever truly expressed how grateful I was to have Aaron and Jamie in my life during that time. I only hope they know how much they were needed. I miss them even now. I haven’t been to church in longer than I can remember, and it’s hard for me. I have already made plans to change that this summer, but I can’t help but feel guilty that it hasn’t been a number one priority.

Last night, I spent the whole evening with my brother for the first time in ages. For a few hours, there was no Brenna nor anyone else except my brother and myself. We went for a drive, went shopping for a portable hard drive, which was really just a good excuse to satisfy my brother’s need to investigate every electronic sold at BestBuy and Target, and I was able to show him some of my latest digital work. We had serious conversation ranging from college, relationships, the Lord, and one of the things my brother and I thank God for the most: our parents. Needless to say, I didn’t accomplish anything class related that night even though I had intended to just use their computers for an assignment due next week. I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. Family is too good, people. Love is an amazing thing. I’d be devastated if anything ever happened to any part of my family, but I do believe God has some amazing plans in store for me, and I cannot wait to figure out what it is.

If anything, get out this weekend. Do something outside your normal routine and just look at the world as God intended you to see it. There is so much beauty in it all. Just open your eyes.

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

-Cierra Nicole

The Falls

Went hiking with a pretty close friend yesterday. The conversation was nice. For once, I wasn’t stressing about school. Instead, I was just loving the world. God answered my prayers this weekend. I’ve been on a spiritual high for the last 24 hours, and I refuse to let it end. I’ve been working out and eating a lot healthier, which has made me feel the best I have in months. I still have so much to do before the semester finally comes to an end… But I do not regret taking the day off from it all.

If someone didn’t believe in God when they decided to visit Laurel Falls, they would when they saw it.

Protected: When It Rains

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Helden

Du
Könntest Du schwimmen
Wie Delphine
Delphine es tun
Niemand gibt uns eine Chance
Doch können wir siegen
Für immer und immer
Und wir sind dann Helden
Für einen Tag

Ich
Ich bin dann König
Und Du
Du Königin
Obwohl sie
So unschlagbar scheinen
Werden wir Helden
Für einen Tag
Dann sind wir Helden
Für einen Tag

Ich
Ich glaub’ das zu träumen
die Mauer
Im Rücken war kalt
Die

This is a wonderful song. I encourage everyone to listen to it at least once… As for me, I’ve listened to it more than twenty times tonight, but I’ve also had this CD on repeat for the last few hours while trying to finish up a vector project of mine. I love the lyrics to this song almost more than I love the wound of it. No, I cannot speak or read in German, but I have looked at a few of its translations online. Its about becoming a hero. I kind of feel like the song is saying you become a hero by being different, by being you. You are triumphant in that way.

Just a thought. I have nothing else to think about tonight except lyrics. My homework doesn’t necessarily require much thinking. Just concentration. And too much of that is never good for anybody.

Goodnight.

Why is this so funny to me?

If you have not seen the newest skittles commercial, I hope you take the time to watch this.

Whoever thought of that deserves a raise, in my opinion.