Eventually

I wasn’t too excited about my birthday until it finally got here. It still seems like just another year, and I really don’t feel any older or like an adult. I probably had one of the best weekends though. I had my nose pierced, received cards from almost everyone, and planned on going to a night club, which didn’t happen- which didn’t matter anyway. I stayed out until almost two in the morning, but most of the time I was out was spent at Jamie’s house. I also cleaned my room, which is a chore for most people but a stress reliever for me.
I only had a few downsides to the whole weekend, but they are insignificant. I am still kind of confused about a few things, and I am not completely sure about how to handle certain situations right now. I know God will take care of them- I think it is just not being able to have any control over anything right now and it is starting to eat at me. Something is wrong. I just can’t pin point it.

School is okay. For once I do not dread walking into school. I gained confidence from something, and I am just enjoying many moments right now- highschool, friends, and meeting new people. I am beginning to understand how it would feel without the people I have always known in my life. I lose friends as quickly as I gain them, and I am already seeing how quickly people choose their own paths, which leads them even further away from me. But I am not disappointed. I just have to find my own direction, which I will… eventually.

My prayers are with Luke and his family right now.

September 23, 2005

Today was a wonderful day.

Deciding on Time

My mother has me looking at several different colleges, even more scholarships, and a few more colleges. I would have to say that the whole thing is not very easy. It doesn’t help that I am not completely sure about what I want to do with my life. Not only that, but it has to be something I would enjoy going to work for every day. I have my mind set on a few occupations I have always been interested in and a couple I have never thought about until searching for different majors. I am so confused. I don’t believe an art institute is right for me. I am not good enough- I know that for sure. So I have decided on a few other colleges I would like to go visit, but if those bomb then I guess I am out of luck until I take a few more hours to kill on the internet for more search results.

It has been pretty stressful lately, and I have had a few emmotional moments. It is not really All about the college thing. I do have a while before I have to decide where I am going to go as a freshman, but I still have to work on scholarships and keeping my grades up until then. I am torn between going with a friend to college and getting an apartment, following someone out of state, or going off on my own- which doesn’t bother me to do at all either. I guess I will not know until I have made an almost-completely-sure-idea about what area I would like to have a career in. I really don’t want to have to transfer after the first year. And there is a person I don’t want to lose when making my decision. But I have time.

I have still managed to make it to the vet almost every day I am scheduled to help out (and get my grade). I must say it is very interesting. I also like the fact the Doctors try to make it fun. I get to help with almost everything the veterianry assistance do, and I get to choose rather than be forced to work in certain areas at the clinic (surgery and operating room, examination rooms, lab counter, medication and vaccine area, grooming, kennels…). I have put serious thought into going into verterinary medicine myself, but I am still not for certain.

The closer it gets to having to graduate and head off to college- the more I don’t want to go…

Parvo

I have been feeling not so good lately, but today I felt a little better. The only problem I had today was a headache around second period.

I had to help with a Parvo puppy today. For anyone who has never heard of this condition, it is a very unfortunate illness for a puppy. They basically have bloody diarrhea and bloody vomit until they die- or get treatment, but more then enough die even with treatment. It was definately the most depressing part of my entire day.
Now I am sitting here playing with my own puppies and very grateful they don’t have the virus.

Selfish Uselessness

I am constantly trying to look at my life from my own shadow. Just recently I have been able to take a few moments out of each day to realize how blessed my life is and has always been. I have never thought my life was completely awful, but jealousy and envy of others took over my mind and easily blurred my vision more than a few times. Lately, I find myself distracted in class, before I fall asleep, and even when I am trying to enjoy a movie or a TV show. I cannot stop thinking about a very special person in my life. I always ask myself: What is he doing right now? What is he thinking? Can he honestly say he is happy with his life right now? …Can I help him? Unfortunately, I know most of the answers to my own questions, but they are not the answers I want.
I cannot help him.
And I cannot even make myself realize it yet. For some reason, I want to be the one person who can. I want to be the person he cries with. I want to be the hero.
I am selfish.
When I sit back, I see that the whole situation is not even close to being in the palms of my hands. It is so far off in the distance that I feel useless.
What is my purpose?
I pray right now that God will be with him. I pray every night and every moment. When it leaves my mind for an instant, it creeps slowly back into perspective staying a little while longer to make up for the moments it had lost. I know it will get better. I have my faith.
I pray the most that he understands how much he means to me. I want him to know I am there for him always, and he can talk to me anytime he feels the need to do so. I don’t want him to feel awkward or ashamed. I know how depression works. I’ve felt it. More than a hand full of my family has and does have it. But it doesn’t mean life is over. And it doesn’t mean it can’t get better.

I love him.