$15 to Enter

Jamie and Callie talked me into going with them last night. I originally planned to go hang out for a couple of hours and had already told Jamie I was too tired to really do anything tonight except hang around the house (probably with Jeramy). I felt bad considering they were heading to the Old City by themselves, and it is always better to go in a group because you have a one out of three chance of getting raped rather than even higher rate of 50%. It turns out two of Jamie’s guy friends called her within the hour and agreed to go, and Callie’s friend Jason and his friend, Chad, called her cell on the way there. In the end, we had a pretty good sized group and I really didn’t have to be there anyway. Tonic and Fiction were amazing besides the fact it was $15 to enter. I thought the dead nurse was joking, but she definitely was not. They were having a Halloween Fest or something and I felt out of place because we seemed to be the only people Not dressed up… The costumes were unreal and everyone looked like they were straight from every horror movie imaginable. Jamie and I ended up avoiding the guy from SAW most of the night. But laughed at Usama Bin Laden in a John Deer hat, a surgeon getting his groove on while downing three beers, and a demon break dancing. I think my favorite costume had to of been a young blonde dressed in a Playboy bunny outfit. It turns out that all the bartenders that night were dressed the same and she was one of them. I guess they didn’t want any males working the bar last night.
We stayed about three hours until they shut down the music to turn everyone’s attention to the costume contest with 94.3 the X. The winner walks away with a few big bills, but we didn’t care enough to stay the extra hour. On our way out, I ended up missing the last step on the way down the stairs and fell completely to the ground. It wasn’t too embarrassing… everyone was too interested in all the costumes, and I was helped up by Dracula.

It Wasn’t Mud

R.I.P. Kael. Sad, sad. I cry.

The first time I have ever felt like vomitting at the vet… was definitely yesterday when I was helping Dr. Jones remove patches of fur from a rabbits back, side, stomach, and neck. It was an outside rabbit, and I didn’t really think to much about the hair being matted from what I thought was mud. But it wasn’t mud.
She started to shave off the fur. “There they are,” she said suddenly. I looked up to see about six maggots crawling from the site. She plucked them off placing them into what they call a ‘tick jar.’ It is filled with a solution that kills them. “Now,” she paused,”let’s try to get the big one without it breaking…” I had no idea what she was talking about- that was until she placed her tweazers in just the right place pulling out what looked like a butterfly cocoon (it was that large) from under the skin, which started squirming ferociously like the other maggots. The removal left a gaping hole (so large you could even see the rabbit’s muscle moving). She repeated the proccess about twelve times, and I about got sick every time she pulled another one out and placed it into the jar. When I finally had to leave the room, Dr. Jones had placed a syringe into one of the wounds and filled it with saline. The hole then erupted like an angry volcano and about fifteen maggots came squirming out- along with bodily fluids and puss…
I got my keys, and I left.

Still Don’t

I spent quite a bit of time filling out applications for colleges today- three, actually. I am kind of excited about going off to college. Especially since I plan to get an apartment with a friend or even a few friends. I am still undecided about what I want to study. I get bored easily, which makes it difficult to find something I might be interested in studying for a number of years… and then making it my occupation for the rest of my life. But I still have plenty of time to decide- so I am not going to worry about it. All I can think about now is the amount of scholarships I have yet to apply for and the number of college applications still waiting to be completed.

I haven’t really been to stressed lately- because I haven’t been thinking about anything. I have gone to the corner in the back of my mind. I sort of dream of how the days should go in my mind, and when it Doesn’t go how I intended it to, I still believe it happened just the way I had imagined. I figure if I live life by the moment and I do not let little things bother me as much as they normally would then this year could end a little better than it started or atleast what it was a few weeks ago.
I hate the fact I have still have mood swings, but I hate who I take them out on the most. And I still don’t understand why I can’t apologize…

Silent Murder

It?s a silent murder
It?s a grave that sings your song
It?s a quiet failure
It?s the one that makes you strong

We are heading down a long empty road
We pass lost souls blinded by the cold

Watch the fire burn out
Watch the curtains slowly close
Waiting on the final words your heart already knows

-Story of the Year

On Your Own

I definately had one of the best weekends. Saturday night was awesome. Callie was celebrating her 18th birthday, and she invited me and a few other girls to go dancing. We decided we would feel a lot better if we were accompanied by a male figure- so Callie called her friend Jason, who has to be one of the funniest guys I have ever met. He agreed to meet us at Hooters since apparently everyone knows where it is located… because of their great tasting wings. We had plenty of time to spare so we went in. All the girls working there had plenty to say to us, and in the end we left with a couple of T-shirts. Now, Callie is pretty set on getting an application there.
We ended up at four different dance clubs that night, but couldn’t get into one. It was a twenty-one and up night; eighteen and up was Sunday night. They were having a ‘naughty school girl’ contest. The winner walks away with $1,000 cash. And another one was just too boring, and we only ‘danced’ for about 45 minutes- if that. I had a wonderful time at Tonic besides the fact that some moron thought he could plant one on me- that was until I dodged it completely, slapped him, and then walked away. I noticed even with a group of friends you are pretty much on your own when it comes to going into a club.

Hidden

I felt every last bit of my stress, frustration, and confusion slip away yesterday. But today I feel it once again, but for other reasons. I am so happy and so depressed at the same time. Someone tell me there is something wrong with me. Or atleast try to give me answers I just cannot find…

Out of Place

Life is eating away at me. I honestly do not know what is wrong with me. I am so scared I am going to lose a part of me, and that piece will never be replaced- I know it. I try to figure things out for an hour, and then waste an hour thinking about how easy it is to get caught up in something that takes over your life. I think about everything every moment. I do not want to be the bad person, but it is already too late. I have no control over what I am doing- Its like I am watching myself from another person.
I am in love- I have been for over a year… And I am watching it die. All because I am too confused about everything to try and save it.
I cannot do this anymore. Why can’t I find the right words to make him understand where I am coming from?- Why can’t I find the right words to even convince myself? If I don’t know my own reasons for this, then why in the world did I do it in the first place? Why can’t I get an answer from someone- anyone?

I miss you… Jeramy.

Hear Me

Today wasn’t a good day. I would say it was more like one of my worst. God is listening, which is helping me in more ways than I can imagine.

Hello Lonely

Hello lonely
Now that you’re gone I can move on
Goodbye sweet thing
Just know that I’ve been here all along

So why’re you sad?
Don’t you know that
It’s you who holds my dreams and seems to always come back?

All those days you waste on me
I just can’t let you go

-Theory of a Deadman