My Mistakes

I didn’t go to church today…

Everytime I oversleep or… make other plans… besides going to church… I think about it for the rest of the day. Why do I put myself before God? I am selfish. I don’t know why I do that. How hard is it to get up in the morning and go? How hard is it to get everything done I want to for the day before evening service? Too hard, apparently. God makes time for me… Why can’t I make time for Christ?

I have some things I need to settle in my life. And it is almost as if I am too ashamed to go to church to work them out. I know everyone is a sinner- not just me. But sometimes I feel like I am the only one. I’m a Christian girl, and, honestly, I do not act like one sometimes… How terrible… To have to pray to God every night and tell him what I have done- Knowing it was wrong in the first place. I can’t even change myself to be a better Christian.

What’s wrong with me? My mistakes are causing me to only move further away from what I can only dream of becoming…

And now it truly is a dream… if I don’t change.

So Lucky

I am so tired. And I don’t really have a reason to be. I guess it is hard to recover from a 10 day vacation. Myrtle Beach was nice. I was never too fond of crowded beaches, but this one was nice. The resort I stayed in was extremely nice, but even then I didn’t get enough sleep. I was pretty busy most of the time. Got up early, went to the beach for three hours or so, took a shower (when I could- 26 people, three bathrooms), and then went out for the night. We usually had something planned from five in the evening until one in the morning. A few exciting things: parasailing, finding a turtle on the shore, Broadway at the Beach, and The Alligator Adventure. I’ve already been parasailing once, but it was still beautiful. Feels like flying. And the turtle was cute… Seemed lost, but it was cool to see. Broadway at the beach has to be one of the nicest shopping centeres I have ever been to. So many stores in a really great atmosphere. The entire place is basically over water with boardwalks and places to feed fish. It also has a volcano surrounded by a mini golf course. I culd have spent (wasted) so much money there. Luckily, I had someone there to tell me I was stupid. So, I only spent around $40. I bought everyone in my family something- including Brenna. And the alligator farm was pretty interesting. I took 125 photos there alone. Snakes, lizards, birds, turtles, bears, tigers, and, of course, alligators…  16 foot long ones.

By the time we left, I was tired of sand. But now that I am home, I’d love to burry my feet in the sand again! My favorite thing about the whole vacation: waking up to the sound of waves every morning. Very relaxing. And the beach- I’ve decided- makes you forget about everything. I didn’t worry about school, and I had no problems.

But I did think about a few people while I was gone. And missed a few too. I could never just walk away from this life that I thought was so hard. I have a wonderful life. And I thank God for everything he has blessed me with. I am so lucky.

I’m listening.

So, I got the biology class I was waitlisted in. Excited about that one. I thought I had to pretty much settle with what schedule I was stuck with. I can only hope I get the dorm I applied for. I was reading some mail UT had sent me and they basically told me I will know my room assignment the first week of August. Kind of a long wait, but if I get in, it’ll be worth it. But I can’t get all of my hopes up. I applied extremely late.

The closer it gets, the more excited I am getting about everything. I hated high school, but I think I will like the type of structure college offers. I know everything will work out how it is meant to by God’s will. But I really hope its in somewhat my favor…

I’ve been thinking almost constantly lately about a few things that have been bothering me. I guess I just don’t know what to do about anything. Actually, I know what I want to do, but I don’t know how to come to it. I have no idea how to approach it in any way. I pray every night that I’ll know the exact direction in handling it, but I’m really not getting the answer I am looking for at this moment. So, it must not be the right time, which is completely okay. I guess I am not as patient as I thought I was. I know if you are reading this you probably have no idea what I am rambling about, but just know that I am working on it. And I am working on the right words.

I’ve had a ton of strange dreams lately. And I am one to always pay close attention to my dreams. I’ve had more than a few experiences that told me I should really listen to them. I’m not saying I can forsee into the future or anything like that, but I believe that a few answers God is trying to get through to you come in the form of dreams, at least they do for me. One in particular last night really stands out. I actually woke up thinking it was true and was confused by where I had awoken…

I’m listening… It just doesn’t make sense.

A repetitive dream (not the one from last night):

I am standing outside of a white colonial style home. Flowers surround the narrow sidewalk leading to its massive front steps. It has large white columns surrounding each side of the door, and brick along it’s sides. I’m lead through the house by someone I never see, but I hear their voice. I’ve never heard this voice before. I am lead through the foyer, and walk through what should be the dining room and into a large kitchen. The house is completley empty like it is being renovated or trying to be sold. I take a right out another exit of the kitchen. The house always becomes a little darker at this point. To my right is a winding staircase. The staircase is built of dark wood in almost perfect condition for being so old. To my left, I see the front door in which I had entered about five yards away. The more I move around to the right of the staircase, the larger it seems. The foot of the stairs is finally noticeable, which is adjacent to an old fireplace. As we begin to pass through this room, I am distracted by a sound. A small arched door underneath the staircase is the focus. The entire house disappears except for the door. Silence. The handle begins to move. The raddling of the handle becomes so loud it awakens me.

I never open the door.

Why?

Trying Again.

I re-applied for housing on campus. I doubt anything will be open at this point in the summer, but its better to try then to sit and wonder. I’ve decided that I absolutely hate driving. So, I do not want to drive to campus and back everyday. Especially since I have only one class on Thursday. I can only hope and pray now that something will open up so I can get in. I never wanted to live on campus, and I was looking forward to being able to stay at my house another year in my own comfort zone. But, honestly, it is time to grow up. And I can deal with the prison-like dorms they like to call “residency halls.” And its not like I live out of state. I am twenty minutes away from home, and I can go back any time.

Now I am just waiting. Just like I am waiting to get into my Biology 101 class… Someone drop it, please.

The After Effects

So, I just returned from freshman orientation at UT. I have to admit that I had no idea how gorgeous the campus was. I guess viewing it from Cumberland all these years kind of gave me the impression it was more rundown than it really is. The library has to be one of my favorite locations besides TRECS, which, by the way, is going to give me the body of steal I have been wanting. 23 hour Starbucks located in that library. I wasn’t looking forward to orientation at all. Things like that always make me nervous, but this turned out to be one of the most evjoyable overnights I have ever had. More orientation leaders were hilarious. And my advisor was pretty cool too. She was honest about which classes were basically a joke, and the ones I would probably have to study for everyday- class or no class. TRECS is pretty much a RUSH only better. Stupid me… got caught up in the gym and definitely worked out. And, hello, I had to hike around the entire campus again the very next morning. I was so sore… feeling the after effects of that one. I also met a ton of new people. To name a few: Carolyn, Allison, Reed, and Chad. Cool people… but I’ll probably never see them on campus unless I have a freshman class with them. We all have completely different majors. I am more excited about college now and less nervous.

The only thing that bothers me: I didn’t get ANY of the classes I wanted. Even my major interests were shot down. Didn’t even get a class for those. Basically, my first semester of college is a waste- for my major. I think I would be even more excited if I had a schedule I liked. I am going to keep trying to pick up a class here and there… but for now it looks like my schedule pretty much blows. All of the classes are closed. Go me for picking the very last freshman orientation available…

And I think I have pulled a whole seven hours sleep these last few days… and that is not even near what I need. And I work Friday and Saturday- wtf? I thought I told my manager Monday was my last day… I’ve got other things to do- clean my room, go shopping for beach, be lazy…
Plus, I already picked up another job at Chop House.

Random thought: I wish I were living on campus.

So don’t try

Make time slower, give me longer.

It’s too late for me, no one will know that I am down here.

And believe your dreams of me sinking

so far, below, you can’t pull me up from here so don’t try.

 

In a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this

I didn’t care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts most is that I would still die for you.

Monday

Today I go into work at nine o’clock. I hate opening. The only thing good about being an opener is the possibility of getting cut ealy. I have an interview after I get off work at The Chop House.I would make more money there… and I would be doing the same thing I am now. I would love to work for my dad, but it turns out I hate that job.I mean, I love my family, but iis all just too slow paced for me. I like the restaurant business. And who knows- maybe I’ll even try serving.

I have so much to do this week. I have to go shopping before the beach. I have absolutely nothing to wear, and it is not like I’m trying to sve my money for anything anymore. have orientation tomorrow. Which means I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning, but I he to do all of my pakcing tonight. So much to do, so little time.

Trust issue?

So, I am sitting here after working thinking about college. I am nervous, but more so excited. My orientation in this coming Tuesday, and I know plenty of people who are attending. Fortunately, I have enough scholarships and grants to pay off my college completely. However, I am still living at home, and I am still trying to figure out how my family will function without another car. Can’t get to college without transportation. Seymour is not cool enough to have a subway. (Actually, they do. Eat fresh.) I have planned on buying my own car this entire summer, but when exactly am I going to do it? I have saved almost everything I have made from my current job and left over graduation money. I have plenty to place a pretty good down payment on the cars I have been looking at. And I am in the process of quitting my current job to work for my dad and possibly make more money than I do now. Actually, I know I’ll make more money- so scratch that…

Today I stumbled across my dream car. Well, not necessarily my perfect dream car (slk280 mercedes-benz), but I am calling it a “dream” because it is still far-fetched. My parents would have to allow me to apply for a loan and trust me enough to be able to handle the monthly payments. The car itself is 15 thou- that is not including tax or insurance. But I must say the car is very reasonable for its condition, look, mileage, and pure sexiness…

How will I convince the Parents to let me do this? I work. They pay nothing for my education. I am living at home. I have plenty of time to work on weekends throughout the school year to afford the payments. And for once, I would like to work for something instead of having it handed to me.
I mean, I know people say that I am “lucky,” but honestly my family needs another car, and I am willing to take care of that myself. Where’s the trust here? Let me do this, please.