I can’t escape this hell
So many times I’ve tried
But I’m still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself
Someone if you can see
The dark inside of me
Noone would ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe, It’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
I can’t escape myself
So many times I’ve lied
But there’s still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself
So, college is great. Love it. Hated high school, but love college’s structure.
Sad though. I don’t know why, but I am. I’ve been stressed, but I don’t think that could have caused it. I mean, a few friends left for college- I will miss them… but its okay. I’ll be fine without them here. I guess it is time for me to be on my own anyway. I just can’t figure out what is bothering me so much lately.
You wouldn’t get me.
Don’t act as if you dream like I do.
When you finally forget, let your pen know first.
Fill your mind with the letters written by you.
Don’t mind me.
You can’t stay here anymore.
My dreams don’t breathe in you.
I have found what writes the hopes you destroy.
The pen you hold.
For those of you who read this and don’t already know, I haven’t been feeling great at all lately. Saturday afternoon I got the water, was running smoothly, and then I hit another boat’s wake that was driving too close and wiped out pretty hard. I didn’t realize how hard until two days later. I was feeling extremely nauscious and dizzy to the point of me wanting to faint. My mother took me to the ER around nine o’clock that night. She was really worried, but I was not looking forward to the hospital at all. I absolutely hate the ER. It is depressing… and you end up being there for at least five hours- no matter what your injury. I had my head scanned, and it turns out I have a pretty bad concusion along with strained neck and back muscles. I’m on muscles relaxers and anti-nausea pills… Can’t say I like taking medication anyway, but muscle relaxers are by far the worst “pain relievers” I have ever taken. Within five minutes of taking the medicine I am conked out for at least three hours. It sucks.
So, lately I have felt like I have accomplished absolutely nothing. I have a book to read for school, but I refuse to read when I have a migraine. I want to get out and do some school shopping, but I can’t really function after taking the pills. I can’t even go to see a movie with Jamie because sounds hurt too much. I hate it, and I really wish I was a better wakeboarder than I am…
I’m really tired. For some reason I can not catch up on sleep…
I’ve had the weirdest dreams lately. The one I remember most: the night before last’s.
I’m sitting in a lecture hall. The professor is about twenty feet away from where I am sitting. I sat either the seventh or eighth row from the front of the room. “Remember when you finish to return your pencils, and there will be two stacks on my desk- one for your test, and one for the answer sheet. You may begin.” I’m on the second page of the test when I am elbowed by the young man sitting next to me.
“Psst. Hey, okay… So I was thinking about what we were talking about last night…” He begins.
“I’m really trying to concentrate on this one. I practically studied all night-” I am cut off…
” I was there.” He leans in. “What is this anyway?” He pulls the exam right from under my hand. He laughs. “What a joke… Who needs to know this anyway?” He starts to crumple the paper in his hands as I pull it away.
“Can you just meet me after class… or something?” I’m already irritated by this point. In the dream, this seemed to be a normal thing. It seemed as if I was used to him being there- always interrupting…
“What? Afraid you’re going to fail? Honestly, look at this guy,” He gestures toward the profeesor who has his back facing the class. He was reading a small book and jotting notes in a spiral notebook. “Yeah… this guy looks rough…” He grabs my pencil from my hand and throws it to the front of the room. It misses the professor, who barely notcied the sound the pencil made after hitting the wall. The man grunts, and then looks around a second before leaning forward to take another girl’s pencil as she was still writing. The girl just stares for a moment trying to figure out what happened. He throws the pencil and it hits the professor on the back of his right shoulder. The man finds this hilarious- laughing so hard he has tears in his eyes. The professor has no clue where the pencil might have flown from and surveys the room. I look down so he won’t suspect it was me…
“Will you stop!? And be quiet… People are trying to-”
He cuts me off again, “The only person who can see me is you…” And he disappears. I find another pencil in my bag, and try to finish the test as quickly as possible considering I wasted fifteen minutes with my visitor.
After class ends, I begin walking back to my dorm. I’m checking my watch as the man appears by my side once again. He’s wearing his usual black trench coat and matching pants. His coat looked fuller on the back almost as if he were hiding wings. He seemed to be in his mid-twenties. His hair is jet-black and spiked at every end. He has dark eyes, but a large smile. Nice teeth, but the smile was not inviting at all. He begins as if the conversation between us had never ended. “So I was thinking that the end of this week would mark exactly one year from when we met… And I think it would be the perfect day- I mean, what better way to celebrate the occassion- eh?” He continues talking, but I ignore him. I am too focused on the people passing me in a hurry. Everyone seems to be late for their next class… or stressed. But not only do I see them, I see their demons. Following them as if they were their shadow. Constantly whispering words too soft to hear.
The person next to me is Satan.
“By the way, the angels fought last night…”
I stop and turn to face him right in the eyes. ” Who won?” I asked sarcastically.
“Who do you think?” He said with a slight grin. His eyes were completely black.
