I’ve come to the conclusion that it might benefit myself and others if I were to start writing how I feel. Even though I am not completley sure how I feel all the time, I express myself through writing, and maybe I can find my emotions by trying to actually search for them for once… The main topic of this post: I am becoming someone I do not love.
Life as I know it:
Stands still. I’ve tried to describe this before, but with no real success. I feel like worlds, opportunites, and uncertainty constantly pass by just out of my reach. I miss everything. I want to live, but I don’t feel like I do. So, my life is great. Honestly. I have no serious complaints about my family, school, or even friends. I mean, we all go through little rough stages, but I haven’t gone through anything major in a long time. So, why am I not happy? I ask myself this way too often, and sometimes I wonder if I just feel sorry for myself. It’s getting repetitive. It’s getting old. “I realized last night how big of a joke I am.” Maybe I make everything up to be something it isn’t? Or maybe something is wrong with me? Or maybe not. I hate maybe. I want certainty. Even though certainty itself is far fetched. And I’ve decided I hate this question: “Why?” One word. And the answer is always the same three words: “I don’t know.” And I don’t.
Current events:
Not doing well in school. I am behind and have been since I’ve started. I cannot get used to the college life- not yet. Which, by the way, is the least of my worries right now. I know I’ll catch up eventually. I seriously doubted the transition. And… there it went. Not only am I not happy with my progress, I absolutely hate commuting. Onto other things… My birthday. Described in two words: not good. To explain it in more than two: I ended up seeing the three people I have been thinking about the most in one LONG day. Overwhelming. In order starting at midnight: Kyle, Jeramy, Jimmy. I’m just going to start from the beginning. I’m through with keeping this inside. Its only becoming parasitic as it begins to eat away at my sanity. Kyle: Definitely one of the few people I talk to lately about everything. One of the most understanding people I have ever met. You don’t just hear what you want to hear. You hear it all. And I have yet to find if it’s because you have experienced the same fate or just know enough about emotional disillusion to relate. Either way, I appreciate your company, opinions, and compassion for helping others- even if you don’t know this is how you are perceived by me. Now you do. I guess we have been talking for a little over a month. You are a great person. And even if you feel like your walk with God is not where it should be, your light does shine. I get a wonderful vibe from you, and your faith definitely drives you in so many ways. I want to share in everything you go through just as you have done for me. But sometimes I feel like I am incapable of doing so. I don’t feel like I am putting as much into it as you are. And I don’t know why. It’s not fair to you, yet you continue to put up with it. I never give you a straight answer for anything, and I appologize for that. You have to understand I am confused. About more things than just relationships, but about the direction in which my life is heading in general. I’m asking you to be patient with me, but at the same time, I don’t want to hurt you in the process of figuring out myself. I hate to say that I am selfish, and I am, but it’s hard to focus on more than one Huge situation at a time. So, I really don’t know what to tell you except not to expect too much from me- at least not now. I’m not sure if it is the right time. I love you. Jeramy: I’ve loved you since our first date. I knew we clicked, and we still share that ability to feel comfortable with each other even when we are in awkward situations. I don’t know if that sentence contradicted itself, but I’m trying. You are still the one person I find comfort in. I know that you know that we are on completely different tracks right now. We are both struggling to find something we are missing, and have yet to find it. God is definitely the biggest influence on both of our lives. And I have no doubt that it was the one reason our relationship ended. Everything happens for a reason, and we both know why it did. We weren’t in the right place. But I never said that it wouldn’t work out later. And neither did you. I am sorry I have held so much anger against you for so long. Last Sunday I prayed a prayer. And it was to let go of all the anger I’ve held inside, for your sake. I feel so much better about us, but I still feel like it isn’t the right time. You have changed so much from when we first met, and it’s not a bad change. In fact, you are a better person than me. Your faith in God has only grown stronger. And I’d love to say I have a place in that, but I am not willing to give myself that much credit. I love you, and I always will. Your happiness means the world to me. That is why I am so easliy upset by your emotions and moods. Not because you feel like you bring me down because you didn’t. And you don’t. Not on my birthday. Not ever. Know that I am here. We’ve been through so much already, and that doesn’t mean it stopped when our title as “couple” stopped. You know how I feel. I tell you, or at least I try. Sort of like I am doing now. Jimmy: For some reason, in the process of trying to change myself in an attempt to be better, I have pulled out every one of your flaws, and hold them up. I place them between us, which isn’t fair. What kind of Christian am I? Who am I to judge? And all you have ever been with me is honest. I appreciate that. I care about you so much. You have been my best friend for almost three years. I know everything about you, and there are no secrets. In fact, even with the flaws, that is one of my favorite things about you. You told me from the beginning you weren’t perfect. And no one is. But you, as well as the other two, have to realize that I am a very lost person. I don’t feel like your relationship with God is where it needs to be. But I also have to get over the fact that you are Catholic, and that has been harder for me to accept than most. God is a huge part of my life, and I feel like you have held that against me in some ways. I have my faith, and, to be honest, without it, I don’t think I would have made it this far. Actually, I know. I don’t want to say you have suppressed my walk with the Lord, but you have not encouraged it by any means. I want you to know that I love you. I am just not sure what to do about that problem. And I don’t know if I ever will. That keeps us from getting closer than we could be. I also have to bring up the fact of family. You have yet to stay at my house for more than one hour. You might not know it, but it hurts. I feel like you don’t want to be apart of my family, or at the least get to know them. This makes them build opinions against you more than for you. It makes me feel like my family isn’t good enough? And in the end, you are only hurting yourself in this way. You have to understand that in order for things to truly work in a relationship, you have to be willing to make scarifices for the other person, and I don’t believe you have experienced that yet. You never had to. But I have… We do not mesh well in this way.
The end:
I’m going to conitnue to strive for a better walk with God. I have realized- through experience- He is the only way. Without him, I am nothing. I know I will find what I have been looking for in time, but right now, I am confused. And I don’t know how to explain it in any other way. Relationships scare me, school stresses me out, and I’ve been becoming someone I have refused to be for so long. And I’m not going to give it life.
