I swear I've given, I've given you all I can

Never will you ever make me feel this way again, oh

On this one rainy day

Too many things I’ve never spoken
I’m not feeling fine
I never told you what to do
I never made you a promise that you could hold me to
That’ll be the day you see me crying

Love without regret. Hurt without shame.

Quoted from a conversation with Zachary.

Why can’t I do this?

So, I’ve built this wall. And people hate this analogy, but it’s true. I’m scared: 1) I don’t want to get hurt again. That’s an obvious. Major trust issues… 2) It is hard to make a decision when you leave one door knowing what’s on the other side and holding the knob of another you want to push open- knowing nothing of what lies ahead. So, I’m stuck in this hallway. And these analogies really blow. But everyone knows what I am talking about.

It’s like Faith. Believing anyway. It’s like the stupid chant we Nike employees yelled before going to work: “Just Do It.” (Never work there again, but thats another story.) Very hard thing to do. And it is something I have yet to get over… beginning eight months ago.

I guess these things just take time. Maybe too much.

I just want to love again. Love fully. Because I know I can. I want to. And I want you to, too.

Sometimes…

I wish I never started these blogs.

Hurt

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you’ve done
Forgive all your mistakes

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won’t be there

Oh, I’m sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won’t admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide ’cause it’s you I miss
And it’s so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

Oh, I’m sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself

Ooh, it’s dangerous
It’s so out of line
To try and turn back time

Protected: My Heart

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Shine

If you look real closely
You can see right through
The pain I created
I’m putting us through

I’m on a free fall

So hard
Hard for me to shine
Been so long
To find
Try and find myself
Hardest thing I’ve ever done

I’m on a free fall
on a free fall

The hardest part of holding on is letting go. It’s been so hard for me to let go of things I’ve burried so long ago. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, but it really hit me last night. Not only am I keeping myself from being happy, I’m keeping others from happiness too.  I really need your help… Lead the way.

He who has ears to hear, let him hear.   Luke 14:34

Breathe You In

It’s time to rest, not to sleep away
My thoughts alone, try to complicate
I’ll do my best, to seek you out
And be myself, not impersonate

Tried so hard to not walk away
And when things didn’t go my way
I’ll still carry on and on just the same

I’ve always been strong
But can’t make this happen
‘Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
I’m so tired of running
And I need to breathe, I want to breath you in
I want to breathe you in

Took awhile to see all the love that’s around me
Through the highs and lows there’s a truth that I’ve known
And it’s You

Heart of Fire

I am extremely close to my grandmother (my dad’s mom). She is the only grandparent I have ever been attached to. She’s an artist. And she’s a very emotional person- like me. She’s passionate. She suffers, and you would never know it. Even when she’s lying in the ICU she is still able to laugh. I just don’t know when the next heart attack will be her last.

I am praying for her.

Your bottles’ almost empty
You know this can’t go on
Because of you my mind is always racing
The needles’ breaking your skin
The scar is sinking in
And now your trip begins but
It’s all over

I know what runs through your blood
You do this all in vein
Because of you my mind is always racing
And it gets under my skin
To see you giving in
And now your trip begins but
It’s all over for

You.

And now you’re dead inside

Still you wonder why

It’s all over