Left Behind

It’s nice to be sitting. I’ve walked all day, but I can’t really complain about that fact. Took a private tour around ETSU today. Actually, my brother and Bren had scheduled the tour (Well, techinically, my mother did), but I accompanied them considering I wasn’t going to accomplish anything else today. My plans were to sleep the day away and eventually get up to eat. To be completely honest, I wasn’t impressed by the looks of the university… from the road; however, when we drove through the campus before the tour took place, I was impressed. The college is small, but not as small as Maryville. It reminds me a lot of UT minus the hills? It turns out, ETSU has a lot more to offer than I originally thought.

ETSU was one of the first colleges I apllied to- if not, the first. I was excited about the thought of it. I was never a huge fan of massive universites (such as UT). I also knew that ETSU has a medical school on its campus (unlike UT’s which is located in Memphis or something). Okay, so what really sparked this whole sudden idea of even transferring to ETSU next fall… Um, I’ve actually been thinking about my major for the last month. What do I want to do? What could I possibly have a career in that I wouldn’t get bored of in a few months? *sigh* Well, I have done art for as long as I can remember. And, even today, it is the one thing that never fails to make me happy or-even better- relieve stress. I’ve taken so many career and interest assessment tests and whatnot… and they all lead to art. I’ve wanted to be a doctor for… about five years now? Why? For the title? For the money?- It’s a plus. But would it make me happy? I mean, I like biology, sure, and I love me some anatomy and physiology… but maybe it’s because I am good at it. I’m terrible at math, and I hate English- other than poetry and science fiction/fantasy writing… but that’s another topic entirely. So, this brings me to the major I have been considering for the last month (I get off topic, I know): Digital Media. Yes, I know… video game design, animation, Pixar, computers, possibly working for Disney? Maybe. I like it all. It’s interesting. I’d be challenged, yes, but I really think I would enjoy it. The funny thing: I’ve been told I should look into this type of major before by more than one person. I was just too into “being successful.” Well, who can say they are successful if they don’t even like their job- no matter how great their salary may be. Money can’t buy happiness. Am I right? It just so happens, ETSU has one of the top five programs for digital media in the nation…

One of the things that really bothered me today: spending two hours- after the tour!- to drive around the surrounding neighborhoods searching for houses. That’s right, houses. Joshua and The Brenna are getting a house… Okay, so, I want you to think about that sentence for a minute. Thought about it? My seventeen-year-old brother is getting a house with his girlfriend of two years… Let me give you something to compare their situation to. I am a nineteen-year-old college student who still lives at home. Is anyone thinking the same thing I am? “Lame.” *sigh* Independence. I want it. It’s probably my fault, but maybe I wasn’t truly ready for the responsibility of it all. I want it now. More than anything. I would feel a little more secure about myself in that way. I mean, I’m already clueless about my future- as I should- but I’d at least like to know I’m not entirely dependent upon my parents. The scarey thing: my parents are thinking about moving to Jonesborough. For those of you who don’t know… It’s right up there with Johnson City somewhere. Which means what exactly? Well, if they did move, I’d be fending for myself. Pushed instead of taking my own leap. That’s even worse than packing and moving out on my own. At least I still have the choice of living here, the security of having a place to come home to, food, and the comfort of not being alone… for now. Most likely, the odds of them moving is extremely low. My mom loves her job, and my dad co-owns three stores located within Sevierville and Pigeon Forge, but the chance is still there.

Actually, I don’t even know why I bothered with the whole last paragraph. What’s the real thing that’s been bothering me today? My brother and his girlfriend. I want that. I want their relationship. I mean, two people completely committed to one another. Both don’t have many friends, but all they need is each other. They spend the entire day with one another… go home, and then call each other and talk for hours before they fall asleep. I don’t know about you, but what is left to talk about? I am jealous. That is what has been eating away at my skin all afternoon: jealousy. Maybe even envy… Either way, it’s two very not-so-attractive emotions. When did my brother discover what he wanted? When did he fall in love? When did he accomplish all of this before me? I thought I would be first… and I am trailing behind further than ever. All I ever hear is “Are they married?”, “Aw, newlyweds,” or “You seem to have such a wonderful marriage at such a young age…” *presses face in hand* They’re not married! They’re still in high school! When did this happen? Sure, they both have promise rings on, but it’s not my point… Actually, mentioning the rings in general thows off my point completely. *sigh* I mean, honestly, when did my brother pass me in age and maturity. Is that possible? I knew I was right when I thought time stood still for me as everyone else kept moving foward. And that’s exactly what happened. *pauses*

Because here I am- left behind because I can never get ahead of my own life.

Like the Rain

i have found what you are like
the rain,

Who feathers frightened fields
with the superior dust-of-sleep. wields

easily the pale club of the wind
and swirled justly souls of flower strike

the air in utterable coolness

deeds of green thrilling light
with thinned

newfragile yellows

lurch and.press

-in the woods
which
stutter
and

sing

And the coolness of your smile is
stirringofbirds between my arms;but
i should rather than anything
have (almost when hugeness will shut
quietly) almost,
your kiss

- ee cummings -

Just Like Me

My mind runs in circles. I never get to a place where I feel that this is where I need to be. I’m making excuses, avoiding the obvious, burrying all emotions…  a continuous cycle. To be honest, I’d love to just move away or master the art of making myself invisible- the first not being the best way to solve anything, and the second being completely impossible. As I see it, I will struggle with self-acceptance for the majority of my life. I’m a nineteen year old college student that doesn’t know what she wants. My purpose in life? No clue. My struggles: self-inflicted. Would I like you to be happy? More than anything. Am I helping it at this point? Not at all. Why? I still don’t know. I don’t even know me. I’m trying. I’m always trying, but you have to understand there is more to it than you think or think you know. You don’t know either, and in that way…

You are just like me.

Sunday Night

My grandmother’s heart stopped last night.

And I would further my thoughts, but I don’t know how.

Mad World

Their tears are filling up their glasses,
No expression,
No expression,
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow,
No tomorrow,
No tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had

I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles it’s a very very

Mad world.

What I do know…

I have a headache. Stress is mostly likely the cause for it, which is old news. Since I’ve posted last, a lot more has happened than I care to talk about it- even more so type about. It probably isn’t that interesting anyway. In fact, I know it isn’t. Most of everything that has occured recently has been brought about by my own stupidity. So, what comes around goes around? Gah, I don’t know. I would like for everything to just go away, but for that to happen I’d have to make a few choices. What can I say? I’m indecisive. My life: A severe indecisive battle. It’s not so much what I want… It is leaning more toward the importance of friendship, love, and loss. What makes me happy? Holding hands, laughter, sharing pointless stories, taking random pictures, and- more so recently- candy? What keeps me from the majority of my happiness: myself. *sigh* To be honest, right now I consider my life to be fortunate and blessed. What I do know… I have a great family. My parents are still married and very much in love. My mother usually has a meal prepared every night- either way, I always have something to eat. I have a place to call home. I am healthy. I have a wonderfully spirited dog named Ax, who-although drools and almost knocks me down when he jumps- gets less attention than he deserves. I have my own computer, which- according to statistcs I didn’t know until just recently- is among a low 1% of people who have the opportunity. Few friends, but the ones I do have are the very best. I am decently intelligent. And I have people who care about me- really care.

Life is about choices. To live is a choice. And it’s not so much about fearing that my life will end, it’s fearing that my life will never begin.

I love you.