It didn’t snow today. Merry Christmas, by the way. Looking back on the day, I have no complaints except one: I’m broke. Well, techinically, I’m not anymore- not after Christmas money from family. But I was before 8:14 this morning. Christmas is about giving- is it not? And I can honestly say I bought two people something with my own money… And I bought it with the money I obtained from selling my text books. *sigh* I should have put away a little of my paychecks from this summer- when I had a job. Or maybe I should have worked a little bit before the holiday actually hit soon after school ended. Now all I have is regrets, and there isn’t really anything I can do now except use what little money I received for school shopping and buy a few things with it. Either way the gifts will be late, which isn’t something I am proud of.
I had an emotional Christmas Eve… Visited my grandmother’s grave. Our whole family met there. Nothing but silence and a chilled wind. We placed a cross above her grave. My dad made it from an evergreen that fell down a few weeks ago from strong winds. It had a bow in the center, and it stood upright with a few metal rods. My grandfather filled the vase with multicolored roses he had picked. We stood by her grave in silence for what seemed like an entire afternoon. My grandfather finally broke the silence with “Merry Christmas, Sweetheart.”
And I am sorry it ended this way. But I’d have to say I am even more sorry that you can’t trust me. I would never intentionally hurt you, even though I am sure you think otherwise. I guess I kind of expected- well, I prepared myself for it- that you would tell me you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I respect your decision, but I am saddened by the fact that you would believe someone else over me. Granted I didn’t give you a reason to think otherwise, but you should get the story straight before making any decision. But I have to say you did not hurt me the other night. You didn’t phase me. But my friend did. “A friend of mine… Actually, *laughs* Your friend told me. I mean, I guess you could say we talk, but it was someone who has known You for a long time. Someone you talk to regularly.” My question: “Who told you this?” Your answer: “Even if I gave you a name, they will deny it. They already told me they would. I could even make up a name. That would cause drama. So, no matter how many people you ask, they will deny it because they have no idea what you are talking about… or they will deny it to save their own ass. Either way, you will never know. It’s a shame your own friends will turn against you.”
Am I that terrible of a person? Wow. I mean, whoa. You knew that would affect me more than aything else you said that night. And that is exactly why you said it. Thank you. I get it. You were upset. But that was low. Immature. But, even more so, it was incredibly low of my “friend.” Now what? I edit my conversations with my friends so it will eliminate anything like this ever happening again? No. Not today. If you are my friend I expect you to listen, and I expect you to be trustworthy. If you can’t handle that, don’t even attempt to handle our friendship. Because eventually it will come back to you. Regardless of how many different ways I try to look at this situation from, it still makes me rethink the kind of person I am.
But if there is one thing I left you with as we face the end of our friendship, I hope you understand the importance of Christ in your life, and how everything happens for a reason. And this is just one more door closed. And stop smoking- not for me, but because it’s unattractive… And- as crazy as this may sound… It can kill you. *surprise*
I was really excited about next semester… And now I am dreading it. Because, of course, I am still unsure what I want to do or in what way I want to direct my education. So, when I chose my classes for this upcoming semester, I went with the whole PreMed thing again… *sigh* And just recently, I got the Artsy vibe again. So confused. But I don’t even care. Not anymore. I’ve decided I should just go with what I have decided with now, and then decide if switching to art would be the best thing for me. I’m not going to lie, I would love to have a career in something I truly enjoy, but, at the same time, I never wanted art to be a have-to. I wanted art to be a want-to… So, I am starting to think ETSU is out of the picture. But I can never be completely sure. I never know what I want. I’ll probably wake up tomorrow and decide I want to move to Seattle- just because I like the word Seattle.
I hope you enjoyed your Christmas gifts. Even the ones you will receive after today.
