Much Ado About Nothing in You

Ashley, I am glad we are ahead. It feels good not to be falling behind. In class, that is. I could have very well have died on my way to school this morning- afternoon… It felt like morning. The weather was beautiful despite the wind, which is what nearly killed me. Picture a massive white truck- the ones with six wheels- in the right lane. Of course, it’s so big it nearly comes over the dotted line. Me, being the cautious person that I am, went to the left a little as I was topping the hill. Just a little. Enough to be blown by the wind to cross the double yellow lines on the left side… a whole foot or so. I felt like I wasn’t in control at that moment. And I wasn’t. I was subject to the wind. Luckily, at the end of the hill, where I was slowing to a stop, the light was red, and there was no oncoming traffic on that side. I don’t know where I am going with this story. Honestly, little things like that happen everyday. And sometimes I don’t even notice. This time I noticed. Because I wasn’t in control this time.

“Oft expectation fails, and most oft there
Where most it promises; and oft it hits
Where hope is coldest, and despair most fits.” -Shakespeare

I’m not feeling so good today. I haven’t slept well recently, which is why I got up early today even though my class wasn’t until 2:30. I am tired, but not tired enough to get my brain to shut down in order to sleep. I know I can’t think about nothing. The hardest thing I can imagine: completely focusing on nothing. Even if you imagine a blank white wall… It would still be something. I’ve been stressed lately- about what I know not. My classes are not too overwhelming at the moment. I have no complaints about how my life is playing out. Confused, of course, because I feel like I’m being pulled in a new direction. And it is so hard to just let go and go with it. Control issues, right? I don’t know…

…There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place. In spite of this, you did not trust in the LORD your God, who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go… -Deuteronomy 1:31-33

I am disappointed. I am a disappointment. I don’t know what to do right now. I don’t know which direction to take. It’s hard, and no one ever said it was going to be easy. I understand it. I just wish you could to.

Mandi, I am sorry we didn’t to go devotional searching today. I would love to tell you that I didn’t have time, but I did. I was caught up in things… I forgot to call. And I am sorry.

Kyle, I am not angry. This is why I don’t tell people what is bothering me. Because most of the time, they don’t want to hear it. Thus, *whispers* is why I have a blog.

Jamie, I know how you feel. I do now. At first, I was upset with you because you couldn’t look beyond the past. I know exactly what you were talking about the other day. I admit I wasn’t completely listening to what you were talking about because I thought you were being stubborn. I know now. I know you weren’t being stubborn at all, you were being honest. Honest with yourself. If you want to talk, I’ll listen. And I will listen this time. Sorry that I didn’t before. I was the one being stubborn. Because you didn’t see it from my perspective. And yours was the only one that really mattered…

“You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” – C.S. Lewis.

And you’re right… You are more than what you have or appear. So be it.

And thank you Elyse.

The Living Dead

Why give up, why give in?
It’s not enough, it never is.
So I will go on until the end.
We’ve become desolate.
It’s not enough, it never is.
So I will go on until the end.

Surround me, it’s easy

to fall apart completely…

I stopped feeling sorry for myself today. Well, I guess you could technically say it was yesterday evening, but today was the first whole day I put it into practice. I talked to Mandi for a long time yesterday. Partly because I haven’t talked enough about my personal issues lately, and the other is mainly due to the fact that Mandi knows exactly where I am coming from all the time. (Thank you for calling me!) It was a much needed personal reflection and acknowledging what it was that has had me so down lately. I would have to say that Dave hit the spot the other night during our Bible study. I am always touched by these studies in some way, but this one hit home. I am feeling guilty about sins I have already been forgiven for. Maybe it is because I have honest people bluntly telling me “how it is” to me face. Or maybe it is because I have yet to leave these burdens at the cross. It is true. I have baggage-like most. Why haven’t I been able to leave it where it should be- before God? And last night, it hit me. It’s okay. I am human. I make mistakes… and I have to choose not to repeat them- not just ask for forgiveness every time I do. I have to want to make a change. And I don’t think I was ready to. Fear, acceptance, tentative, refraining from… whatever you want to call it, I was doing it. I have always said (as if it were not even in question) “I am not affected by other people.” What a joke. I never realized how much people do affect me. Well, I have to say I am proud of the things I have done against peer pressure and what close friends have tried to push me to do. (Galatians 6:4-5) I had self-control. At the end of the night, I could pray and glorify God for the choices I made and the rewards I received from it, instead of asking for forgiveness. And that, that feeling, is one of the greatest feelings. I don’t think there is any other time where I feel proud to be a Christian as in that very moment. When I can tell God about it. So, why have I waited so long to feel that good again?- all the time… We live to die- do we not? Living the Christian life to obtain eternal life in God’s kingdom. So, why die if we don’t live it?

So, Mandi… I have found the perfect Bible verse to go along with our conversation yesterday. And God works in the craziest ways. I basically opened up my Bible to it.

Galatians 5:19-26

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy, drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

We have to put on “the armor of Light.” (Romans 13:11-14)

We can’t obtain them by trying to get them without his help. You will never be happy until you are happy with your relationship with God.

As I know It

Life as I know it at 12:45 before it is officially Saturday:

I have good parents. Great parents. I was questioning what true friends were this morning, and then I thought about my mom. She’s one. Number one. And I hate questioning how many true friends I have, but there comes a time when I have become so disappointed in the truth that it does nothing but parade around in my mind. Jamie: I freaking love you. You have been one of the very few girls I haver ever trusted. I trust you with my life. I am thankful you put up with me, to be completely honest. I have sat and talked for hours, and all you did was sit there and listen- adding a few “Hm’s” and a couple “Right’s” along the way. I have no idea how I could get through half the things I do without your advice or honest opinion. I have no worries- no matter how big the problem may be- when I know I have at least one person to talk to, and that that person is you. I don’t know if I love you because you are just like me or because you are so different from me at the same time. Either way, I am truly sorry your birthday did not turn out as planned. Happy 20th, and I wish you the greatest year. Mandi: I am going to mention you in this posts even though I have not had a long and in depth conversation with you in a long time. Despite our distance over the past year, we shared a lot in what will be exactly one year ago come mid-February. You are very wise. And I admire your goals, morals, personal opinions, and passion for others. You possess one of the biggest hearts I have ever encountered. You have no idea what effect you have on certain people. I love you. Ashley: I am sorry you are currently upset with me. I’m not going to mention what exactly it is that made you so upset, but I appologized, and if you can not accept it for what it is, then don’t. I have nothing else to offer. You must understand the situation first before accusing me of such wrongs. You have deceived me more than once, and I have forgiven you despite my doubts. I am sorry I am not perfect, but neither are you. I have continued to trust you, and I still will. I believe you had no place to speak to Jeramy about what “you thought I think.” Because, honestly, you have no idea. Yes, I admit I was upset when I had heard you did speak with him about it. But My mind goes way beyond you and your perspective. You don’t even know half of Jeramy and I’s situation, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t give your opinion on the subject. Jeramy knows how I feel- I told him myself. We have talked a lot, actually, about the matter. So do not call me immature for not telling him what he already knows. How dare you bring immaturity to the table when you yourself basically blocked me on AIM mid-converstaion. Yes, because venting and not listening solves everything… Now what are you going to do? Just start talking to me when school starts like nothing ever happened? If you know me as well as you think you do, you should know that I just don’t forgive and forget that easily. Probably not one of my best features, but that isn’t the point. Something has to be resolved eventually, and I am sorry you are “too pissed to talk about it.” Kaitie: Happy 20th to you as well. I am sorry that your birthday did not goes as you had planned- like Jamie’s. To tell you the truth, I never thought you two were on the same page anyway. You probably should have thought about a couple years back- the first time you and her had your birthday together. Didn’t end up so well… Why would you want to try it again? Although you and Jamie are best friends and have been for a long time doesn’t mean you are exactly alike. In fact, you are complete opposites. Your interests share one characteristic- they don’t please the other person. I mean, I wish I could have seen you on your brithday, but I already explained why I wasn’ there. But I am going to be honest with you. You probably wouldn’t have wanted to see me that night either. I was already irritated at the fact that you were acting as if the party completely revolved around You. Jamie was willing to sacrifice a little. Why couldn’t you? It’s probably not my place at all to talk about you and Jamie’s issues- I know this. But maybe you should realize that when you end up hurting people like Jamie or anyone else for that matter, you are only hurting yourself. Your creating walls between friendships. And I know (probably better than most) that walls are not good. I love you- talk to me. Jeramy: We talked. And I am happy we did. I called Jamie after I spoke with you, like I said I was going to do. She listened to me vent- not necessarily about you, but everything I have pretty much mentioned above. Your actions only topped off the day I had before we spoke. But I have to say I was completley content with how our converstion ended, and I know you are too. Do not solve problems through the use of alcohol. You knew it would hurt me while you were doing it. I get it. I have already paralleled that action with something I continue to do with Kyle. But it’s not to solve problems. It’s because it is something I want to do. And you know that. I want you to be happy, but if I am what makes you happy, I cannot give you that. Plus, I believe the term alcholic is derived from a particular person who uses accessive drinking to escape personal issues. Am I not correct? (Not refering to you as an alcoholic- just stating.) I love you. And I always will. Like I have said before… You bring me to tears faster than anyone. I care about you. More than many others. Ashley made the comment the other day (while we were fighting): “Why do you care anymore?” Why do I? My response: “How can I not?” And I can’t. I can’t just Not care. Not because we had a past, but because we have a future. Regardless if it is as a couple or as friends alone. You are a very special person. Trust yourself, don’t hate yourself. You are better than what you have been handed. So be it. I admire you in so many ways. Ways you will never know, but only because it is a personal thing- not necessarily because I have built walls. (By the way, someone needs to tell your sister that she needs to learn how to be a better driver before challenging someone on the road…) Zachary: Hi. This is funny because I know you will read this. You always read them despite the fact if you leave a comment or not. I am sorry I have continued to cautious with you. I know you are not going to lie to Jeramy if he asks… But do you blame me for getting upset? It’s not necessarily you. I mean, I am just frustrated with people “who talk.” You know my views on that subject probably better than most. I seem to bring it up every time we talk. But I guess that is life. And that is people. I mean, I am talking about everyone right now, so I’d be a complete hyprocrit if I went any further with my thoughts on this point. So, I just wanted to tell you that regardless of all the drama, you will be missed. You are an interesting one. Stop letting people get to you as much as they do. Although you try to hide it, I know it bothers you. Your decision to go to the Marines was yours. Let no such person try to tear you down from something you believe in. I wish you the best. Keep your faith closer to your heart than anyone or anything else. It will lead you. I love you. Kyle: *sigh* I don’t know where to begin with you. Thank you for putting up with things not many people could. You have listened, but I should probably be stating the fact that I talked. I don’t do that. And you knew that. You never pushed, you just assured me it was going to be okay. I admire the fact that you have yet to turn to alcohol or drugs to solve everything you have already endured. One of the strongest people I have met with your beliefs, personal morals, and faith. You have hope. You are hope. I mean, I don’t know any other way to say this other than you make me Happy. I haven’t been happy in a long time. There are many factors contributing to exactly why it has been so long. I’ll attempt to state a few I don’t mind others knowing (considering this is a public blog.) 1. Jeramy broke me. I mean, can you imagine giving it your all and it not being good enough? Yes, you can. Probably one of the main reasons why I opened up to you completely. From the moment we started talking, my barriers were gone. It was a new feeling, but I didn’t question it. I went with it. I put myself on the line. I did it for you. 2. I have not been happy with myself in a long time. I haven’t felt right with God, and I was struggling with sins you are too familiar with- because I bluntly told you. No secrets. I have not felt good about myself… until I met you. Not because of your compliments or casual flirting, which, by the way, I flirted just as much or more than you did. I felt good because of your acceptance. You accepted my flaws for what they were rather than criticize them. You didn’t judge me by what I’ve done, but for who I was. Some people pick apart people- trying to find reasons why it would affect you rather than how your judgment will affect them. Either way, you did no such thing. Instead of thinking about yourself, you thought about me. You care. And I haven’t found that particular quality in a long time. 3. I know this is a issue, and this is why I am going to state it. You risked a friendship for us. I am uncertain if the friendship itself was flawed and already lost or on the verge of it, but even then, drama would have resulted (as it did) and you were willing to deal with it. I know our intentions weren’t to ruin friendships despite how it seems, but sometimes you can just not control how you feel about someone. And I feel something for you. You mean a lot. I love you. And I love internet dating. (Inside joke #1 ftw.) Jimmy: Stop coming to conclusions about what you think is going on with me. You, like Ashley, have no idea. You can’t even begin to comprehend half the things I think about on a daily basis. You refuse to listen, and you wonder why I refuse to talk. Stop being so close minded. You will never truly know someone if you don’t change that particular charcateristic. And you say that I will never change? Maybe not. But something is happening with me right now, and I am continuing to grow every day. But you are right. I would never change for you. You have yet to give me a reason to, and I don’t think you are willing to go there. So, as of now, we are not the type of friends you believe we are. We are not close at all. Not emotionally. I admit, I don’t tell you things. Well, you have given me no other choice. Stop pushing. Me: I don’t understand you sometimes. I wish someone else did, but I am finding people who are getting close. You are flawed in every way. You use sarcasm to hide your pain. And you build walls to protect yourself from the hurt. Let it go. You are only hurting yourself. Grow up. Start beginnings. Don’t continue writing short stories and sealing them. Leave them unwritten. You cannot control your life. Just let it go. And be happy… again.

I’ve still got the picture you framed
There’s only memories, momories
I’m finding it hard to explain
I don’t feel anything, anything
Well sometimes somethings are better left alone
And when the seasons change
The sun may shine, but the darkness will remain
And should my reasons sway
They’ll bury me with no name.

My life as of 4:04 Saturday afternoon:

Serenity.