Why have I been thinking so much lately? Honestly, it’s probably because I have had the time. I am almost sad my first year of college is over. I finished my Shakespeare final this morning before it was do at noon, and I couldn’t be more happier that that particular class is over. Two more finals to go, and I’ll be done.
So, where am I going to school next year? Answer: I have no idea. As of now, I am sitting on dreams of attending an amazing art school I should have started my undergraduate studies in… however, I am not completely sure they will play out. Fortunately, I have wonderful parents who have complete faith in me, but I can’t say I have a huge amount of confidence in our financial situation. I am scared. The school is competitive, but I am more worried about the school’s tuition. I hate worrying about money. I am tired of always considering money before I do anything. I do not blame my parents. They are some of the hardest working people I know, but I don’t understand why higher education has to be so pricey, and why the heck my art school does not except any scholarships whatsoever. Not even the HOPE. That is $7,200 wasted, and I know that bothers my parents even though they say it will be alright. Well, it bothers me.
People. People are weird, but they don’t surprise me. It takes a lot to surprise me anymore. I have a pretty good idea about how crazy people can get and what decisions they can make. I’ve had a fair share of friends who have hit the limits. I haven’t seen my best friend in… months. It’s not something I like to brag about. There have been chances, but I never take them. In fact, I avoid them. Why? Well, (1) We have nothing in common despite the fact that we have known each other for 18 years, (2) Conversation is limited to relationships, which are usually not good conversations, and (3) I am angry. For some reason, I cannot get over an incident that happened a while back. And I have yet to talk about it. To be honest, I have never been in a ‘fight’ with her… for as long as I can remember, and I think that is what is keeping me from bringing it up. I probably should, but I won’t for now. I’ll either get over it, or I’ll bring it up the next time I talk to her without trying to make it a huge part of the conversation. I am sure she meant nothing by it, but it is the small things that end up mattering so much. And people do not realize that. More so men… but that is off topic.
Something else that has been bothering me: closed mindedness. It frustrates me. I think one thing, end up stating what I think, and end up in confrontation. What is it that I want? To make a point? Maybe. Having the last word? Not at all. I truly thank God for how I was brought up. My parents are very liberal individuals, but they have expectations, dreams, and standards, too. I have those. All of them, and lately, I can’t decide if that is one of my better qualities or one of the worst. I will be honest and state that it is extremely difficult to find someone that has the same views as myself without being the same person. Very few individuals have entered my life in that particular aspect. You live, and you learn. I have learned a lot about myself this year. Actually, rewind that back to… mid-August, and you will probably begin finding the place where I have become the most comfortable with myself. I don’t mind being different, but it has its downfalls. Friends are very few and far in between- not because I am antisocial. I gave that up a while ago, but because I expect a lot from people. And I am truly sorry I have place that on them, but I only think t has helped me in the end. I have stayed away from a lot of influences that would have been negative, and I have made great decisions that were for the positive. But I will admit, I am one screwed up person when it comes to what I want, but I guess that is a quality in me that you either learn to love or absolutely hate. I have had more incidents of hate. Not necessarily by other people, but by myself. I hate that part of me. I’m young- granted I am older than a majority of my friends, but I am still learning, especially about myself. I mean, what the french, toast? There has got to be a happy medium somewhere or maybe it is a journey that will never end. Either way, I am constantly changing, which has got to be interesting, right? Eh, maybe. Not.
So, I have got to give to a friend of mine lately. Probably carries the majority of my stress. Unfortunately, we have never met, and I don’t think we ever will. Honestly, it is nice having someone who doesn’t live here listening to the story of my life. He isn’t a part of it all, in a sense, and that is a plus. But he listens, and that is something that is hard to find when it comes to time. I mean, I most likely wouldn’t want to hear someone’s problems over and over again, which is why I could never be a Psychiatrist, but he does. Thanks, Hon. And I want to visit Canada sometime. I am a fan of grizzlies, and apparently Canada is the place to be to experience them. Heh.
As of now, my thoughts are incomplete, but this says enough.
