chocolate.

Getting Personal

“In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me.”
Some of the disciples said to one another, “What does he mean by saying, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me,’ and ‘Because I am going to the Father’?”
They kept asking, “What does he mean by ‘a little while’? We don’t understand what he is saying.
Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, “Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’? I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.
-John 16:16-24

I just had to share this. I was reading this earlier and it really moved me. It was this moment that enabled us to have the personal relationship with God that we do now…

Noun; an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.

So I talked to Tre for a long, long time the other night. We, once again, were finishing up some homework on the only table in my apartment. He, being the bum he is, shares my paint-uses it, really- which usually means we are forced to do our homework at the same time. Not that that is a bad thing. I just enjoy giving him a hard time about it. I don’t think we have talked that long in a while. He just recently broke up with his girlfriend of almost two years. They continued to text one another while he and I attempted to mix the perfect complement progression, mine being red-violet to yellow. (It actually turned out exactly how I had hoped.) This was a pretty funny event- for me. It is difficult for Tre to understand proportions in mixing paints, and I had to help him a few times, but he got really excited when he finally learned how to “see” it on his own. Color Theory is extremely interesting, and it is also the worst class you will ever have to take as an art student. It’s basically an art class ran as a science lab. During this period of a little more than three hours, Tre told me a lot about his past, including how he dressed and wore his hair in high school- which was probably the most I have laughed in a good while. We talked about relationships and such. Tre is positive I was “one of the popular girls” in high school, but nothing I say can convince him otherwise. I didn’t date at all really until about my junior year, and that turned out to be the longest relationship I have had yet. He was telling me why he had been feeling sick lately, and he truly believed it might be Heartbreak even though he had been the one breaking off the relationship. “I still love her” is what moved me the most. The reason why he was texting her so frequently during this time period is because her ex-boyfriend was now trying his best to get her back since he had found out her and Tre have separated. I asked him why he was so passionate about it… I felt that maybe it wasn’t fair. If he had done the breaking up then why didn’t he want anyone else to be with her? “She deserves better than him. Not saying I am the one, but I still love her.” He has his reasons why this guy isn’t great for her, and I would share, but it’s not my business to discuss. Just know that Tre is a really great person, and he has her best interests in mind, including protecting her. “I’d still do anything for her, and I will only continue to…”

I think this is one of the hardest things to accomplish, but one of the greatest things- if you can pull it off: staying just as close to someone after ending a relationship. I have a lot of problems with this. I am extremely stubborn- I’m not gonna lie. I distance myself in order to keep myself from being hurt again- but sometimes I end up hurting myself by doing this. I am really bad at giving second chances. I’d hate to say that I hold grudges, but I think I just might. It all depends on how you look at the situation, but I am pretty sure I’ve said “What goes around, comes around” more than once. And that is a terrible attitude to have. If it is just not meant to be, it won’t be… But if it is, you’ll know. I do believe God has placed someone on this earth for all of us. But I don’t believe we have to go looking for them either.

Patience.

It seems so easy, but it is truly a struggle.

-Cierra Nicole

Over the past month, I have come to realize that I have lost contact with everyone I care for the most.

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How to Listen

I’ve been thinking about a post for the past few days… and I honestly went into this still wondering what I might have to say in it, but I thought that maybe if I started typing, I might have something to say after all.

This break has been wonderful in some ways and completely disappointing in others. First off, I’d like to mention the fact that I have an absolutely wonderful family. I thank God for that every day. I’m reminded of it every day. My parents do so much for me and my brother- even when they shouldn’t or can’t afford it. My brother treats me more as a best friend than the annoying sister I can be. His girlfriend treats me as her own sister, and her parents as if I were their own daughter. And I can honestly say I have more than one best friend that I consider part of my family whom love me just the same.

This break has been eye-opening. I, for one, have stumbled with my walk with God. I’m a few yards further behind him than I was when I went into this break. I’ve been struggling with a few personal things more than anything… Not that that is any excuse. I will admit that I doubted the Lord a few days ago. At that very moment, I doubted my own beliefs. Who am I to doubt what the Lord can do for us on this earth? Who am I to doubt what power we as Christians have on this earth? How come most Christians doubt their own power as Christians and what it is they can and have been called to accomplish during the life God has blessed them with? I am no one. I am no one without God. I will tell you the conversation that threw me into a battle of disappoint and disgust for myself:

Sarah: “You should bring Hunter to the altar so we can pray for him.”
Me: “I’d love to do that. I’d just have to convince Jackie to bring him one Sunday.”
Sarah: “Well, I believe we can heal him. We don’t realize how much power we have as Christians. I believe he will be healed right before our eyes.”
And it was that moment in which I had doubt. Why? Is it because when we only think of people being healed instantly, we only imagine it happening in the Bible? This is the same moment in which I hated myself yet loved myself knowing that God loves me so much that he has blessed His believers with this power. God loves us so much. It is so hard to even fathom how great His love is for us. The Lord is so great that he wants to heal us of suffering. He’s a jealous God. Why would He want us to be caught up in worldly things, such as disease, pain, wealth, worry, even doubt… He wants you to be all about Him, so he will take it all away if you just let Him. Give it all up. Give it all to Him. Why hang on to something that just will not last or has no meaning? This is something I have yet to learn: How to Listen. I want to be available for the Lord… so much. But I feel as if I can’t quite hear Him yet. And every time I stumble, I know why I don’t hear Him yet. I do feel He has great plans for me- just as He does for every one of His children. I don’t want to be another one of his children who become lost or so caught up in this temporary world that I miss His calling for me. To think that The Creator of it all has a special task and place, not only in this world, but in His Kingdom is truly an indescribable feeling. Who does and will ever love you more than your Lord? If there’s someone else who might answer that question for you, you might want to ask Him yourself and let Him show you who it is. I will never be satisfied with my life until I reach a point in which everything in my world is all right because my world revolves completely around the one person who brought me into it. That is something in which I struggle with daily.

I’m torn. I feel overwhelmed by school, my rent, and a job. I pray, and it does help. But then I think this: I have such a short period of time on this earth… why am I filling my life with things that are really just bettering my life, although cluttering it, when I should be saving someone else’s by telling them of their Savior, Jesus Christ? When I hear, “Make yourself available for God,” what am I to do? I know patience is key… And I’d be lying if I said I haven’t spoken to others about God while being in school… I guess I just want to do more. I’m going to wait on God for this. I think that when I am supposed to be somewhere or supposed to be doing something else, I won’t have any doubts. I won’t question it. It is a waiting game. I may just be jealous of some close friends of mine who have found their calling sooner. I’m proud of those few, by the way. If you read this, you know who you are.

I’m disappointed in the way I spent my time over this break. I did get out, and I did do a lot. I guess I am like everyone else and expect too much from people, and get hurt or disappointed. People are so flawed… in so many ways and I will leave it at that. Another reason why God’s love is so amazing. Temptation is inevitable and sin is undeniable. Keep those who you love close, but refuse to let those who you keep close destroy that love. People will hurt you. You will hurt people. It’s part of being apart of this world and fighting to not be. Do not let people surprise you (in a negative way.) Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, and you will too- repeatedly, so keep tabs on those suckers because you’ll have to come to terms with them on Judgment Day.

Here is a thought I’ll leave you with since I am unsure how to end this and not wanting to end it all at the same time. An intelligent young woman brought this to my attention. Okay, lets journey back into the Garden of Eden. It being the place where the first man, Adam, and the first woman, Eve, lived after they were created by God.They had it all, correct? Anything they could ever want, except one thing, which was forbidden. Just one thing… when they had it all. So, they disobey the Lord- everyone knows the story- and it is lost. We see here how easy it is to fall into temptation, and we also see how we as humans are never satisfied with what we do have no matter how great it is- like the Garden of Eden. Now lets think about who was behind this temptation: Satan. Do you realize how easy it would be for God to destroy him? It would be nothing to Him. Easier than it would be for us to blink our eyes yet He doesn’t. Why? Because the Lord loves us so much, he is going to allow the thing that will destroy Satan come from Eve. He is going to let it be born of a human. What Satan thinks is so weak, so vulnerable, and only continues to sin in his favor will be the one thing that destroys him…

Now do you believe in your own power?

Anyone who holds on to life just as it is, destroys that life. (John 12:25)

“Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” Psalm 51:12 (NIV)

-Cierra Nicole