Allow Me to Introduce Myself

I’m upset tonight. Irritated and sad all at the same time. I think I need to be on anti anxiety pills. Either way, I don’t think this will ever change the fact that I am antisocial. I take that back. I don’t think I am the definition of antisocial. What I do know: I pick crowds. If it’s not my crowd… it never will be. Probably a bad quality that I shouldn’t admit, but its the truth.  I’m not a fan of asininity. Is that bad to say? Let me try to rephrase that: I’m not a fan of unintelligent people. Heh. Okay, that didn’t work the way that I thought it would. Let me, instead, try to explain what it is I am talking about:

I have never been or been a fan of girls who act stupid to get attention. There’s one. I am attracted to intelligence and intelligent humor. Wittiness, “dry” humor, sarcasm in good taste… that’s me. I like those things, and I can actually contribute to conversation. Dumb actions… people doing stupid things just to do it or maybe even to fit in… Hate it. I don’t know how to describe this at all unless you are just on the same page as I am. I’m a big stickler for being who you are and being accepted for that, and if you’re not, you’re not. Go find others who will. I am who I am and I can’t really change that… and be happy, that is. I wasn’t put on this earth to please other people. As far as I’m concerned, I was put here to please the Lord- other than that, you’d have to ask Him because I’m still not certain of my purpose. You don’t need anyone except Jesus and that pretty much is true for me. Always has been. I don’t fit in, and I will admit that with confidence. I’m kind of awkward in big crowds, I tend to feel like I am suffocating, and I blush- a lot. Pretty nerdy too often. Find interest in the most random/useless things… I absolutely love to learn- despite what it may be. And I tend to be a pessimist. That doesn’t necessarily make me the life of the party. Don’t get me wrong, I have several close friends that I feel totally comfortable doing practically anything with/in front of. But that takes a long time. Friends for me take a long time. I sort of learned the hard way in high school from one close friendship going really really wrong… and I’ve kept my distance since. I don’t want to say that the past affects a lot of how I feel/think about certain aspects of life, but it does. It has a lot to do with it. And I have tried my best to prevent it and/or work on it, but these things don’t necessarily change in one night either. Trust first. Feeling comfortable with that change is second, and then working on it comes third… and it’s a slow third place. I am trying, but some things I stand behind won’t change, and that’s just me being me. I dislike drinking- mostly in part of the fact that alcoholism runs in the family. Don’t plan on ever taking/doing any destructive drugs- mostly in part of the fact that I believe your body is a temple for Christ. And it is not often that I will be swayed in my opinion or beliefs… ever. Everyone has a vice. That’s mine.

I want to apologize to anyone I have ever hurt because of my insecurities, antisocialness, inability to trust to the fullest extent, and/or because I happen to be a stubborn bitch at times. Forgive me- and you don’t even have to tell me that you did. I am human. And with that statement comes only too much hypocrisy, void, and unfulfilled personal and impersonal expectations.

I think my writing habits are pretty funny as of late. I didn’t intend on updating as recently as I have, but I’ve noticed that I actually miss writing my thoughts more often than not. Definitely takes a lot of weight off sometimes. I will say that I have a lot of baggage, and most of it, I leave here. If I didn’t, I’d feel pretty sorry for a lot of the people I hang out with on the regular. Probably wouldn’t be that nice- which sucks more for who? That I don’t know. Me and them equally.

I had a bad night tonight. I didn’t want things to end the way they did. But when its two bulls and olny one fight to win… the horns eventually clash- more than once.

-Cierra Nicole

I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am…
Fine

General

So, I was informed recently that I never write in this anymore… and that I should because I am bound to always have an audience. I’m not so sure if I agree with the second part of the statement as much as I do the first half- for it is the most obvious.

Probably the number one reason why I have not felt the urge to update on anything on my life as of late: Because I honestly have no idea how I necessarily feel about anything. Actually, that’s a lie. I do know how I feel about almost everything occurring/has occurred in  life the last passed year or so. The problem I am having is converging my multiple stand points on everything into one single idea/position- to at least where I don’t sound completely hypocritical.

I’m celebrating my 21st birthday tomorrow evening-technically today considering the time- and I’m pretty excited about it. Of course, I celebrated it earlier this week… if you consider being locked in Johnson City and not being able to see much of my family while conintuing to go to class all day much of a celebration. Anyway, the parties tomorrow, and for some reason I am kind of surprised by the people who are attending. Well, not surprised, but for a lack of a better word for the time being it will have to do. Is it weird that I am more comfortable with Brenna’s side of the family than my own? I know that’s a weird statement, but it’s the truth all the same. My family has never really acted much like a family… My immediate family IS a family… but that family is sort of antisocial toward the rest of the family? If that makes any sense whatsoever. Regardless, I kind of like my family like that, and I would never change the fact. Like I was saying, Most of Brenna’s family will be there… considering they’ve been family for over four years, but so will some of my other family (the ones we are antisocial toward) which is weird… so weird. Almost, too weird, but just almost. So, it’s almost as if I’m introducing my new family to my old. Kind of funny to think about, I think. I guess my point- sort of- in this entire ramble is basically how fast life changes… especially in one year. Friends, ideas, and opportunities have all changed, and I think they are for the better. I know I’m happier… even though I had to go through a lot to get here- basically all of it being things people don’t necessarily like and/or agree with.

I don’t really know where I am going with this, but I will say that I still think a lot… and I’ve decided that it plagues me. After all these years, I’ve finally come to that conclusion.

Other than that, Love Jesus your Savior. Read The Inheritance Trilogy, The Shack, and Redeeming Love. And believe in something that is true to you and no one else- if you decided to tell them, of course.

-Cierra Nicole

Thorta du ilumëo!

Still In Repair

Last night was quite possibly one of the best nights I have had in years. The simplicity of it was phenomenal. It was easy. It was love.
My brother is sick again. For all of you who might not know, he was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis(UC) last year. If you don’t think you are familiar with this condition, you are if you know Aaron Case. I’ve seen this condition do so much damage already. First, I started to attend this wonderful church known as Southside Baptist Church where I continued to meet some of the best mentors of my life: Aaron and Jamie Case and Dave Cross (Don’t get too big of a head, Dave.) From that moment on, I witnessed Aaron affected by this condition more than once, which also affected his lovely wife, Jamie. It was hard for me to understand how such good people were affected by such a non forgiving disease. What was even harder to understand was their attitude toward it… And how their faith in our Lord Jesus Christ never faltered. I admire that more than anything. Even I continue to struggle with understanding all of God’s intentions. If you haven’t had the chance to meet these three people mentioned above, you should.
Last year, when I thought my brother may possibly have Crohn’s Disease, I hit a really low point in my life. I was praying more than ever, but I questioned God’s intentions even more. Fortunately, my brother wasn’t diagnosed with Crohn’s but with it’s brother disease… And I don’t think I ever truly expressed how grateful I was to have Aaron and Jamie in my life during that time. I only hope they know how much they were needed. I miss them even now. I haven’t been to church in longer than I can remember, and it’s hard for me. I have already made plans to change that this summer, but I can’t help but feel guilty that it hasn’t been a number one priority.

Last night, I spent the whole evening with my brother for the first time in ages. For a few hours, there was no Brenna nor anyone else except my brother and myself. We went for a drive, went shopping for a portable hard drive, which was really just a good excuse to satisfy my brother’s need to investigate every electronic sold at BestBuy and Target, and I was able to show him some of my latest digital work. We had serious conversation ranging from college, relationships, the Lord, and one of the things my brother and I thank God for the most: our parents. Needless to say, I didn’t accomplish anything class related that night even though I had intended to just use their computers for an assignment due next week. I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. Family is too good, people. Love is an amazing thing. I’d be devastated if anything ever happened to any part of my family, but I do believe God has some amazing plans in store for me, and I cannot wait to figure out what it is.

If anything, get out this weekend. Do something outside your normal routine and just look at the world as God intended you to see it. There is so much beauty in it all. Just open your eyes.

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

-Cierra Nicole

The Falls

Went hiking with a pretty close friend yesterday. The conversation was nice. For once, I wasn’t stressing about school. Instead, I was just loving the world. God answered my prayers this weekend. I’ve been on a spiritual high for the last 24 hours, and I refuse to let it end. I’ve been working out and eating a lot healthier, which has made me feel the best I have in months. I still have so much to do before the semester finally comes to an end… But I do not regret taking the day off from it all.

If someone didn’t believe in God when they decided to visit Laurel Falls, they would when they saw it.

Helden

Du
Könntest Du schwimmen
Wie Delphine
Delphine es tun
Niemand gibt uns eine Chance
Doch können wir siegen
Für immer und immer
Und wir sind dann Helden
Für einen Tag

Ich
Ich bin dann König
Und Du
Du Königin
Obwohl sie
So unschlagbar scheinen
Werden wir Helden
Für einen Tag
Dann sind wir Helden
Für einen Tag

Ich
Ich glaub’ das zu träumen
die Mauer
Im Rücken war kalt
Die

This is a wonderful song. I encourage everyone to listen to it at least once… As for me, I’ve listened to it more than twenty times tonight, but I’ve also had this CD on repeat for the last few hours while trying to finish up a vector project of mine. I love the lyrics to this song almost more than I love the wound of it. No, I cannot speak or read in German, but I have looked at a few of its translations online. Its about becoming a hero. I kind of feel like the song is saying you become a hero by being different, by being you. You are triumphant in that way.

Just a thought. I have nothing else to think about tonight except lyrics. My homework doesn’t necessarily require much thinking. Just concentration. And too much of that is never good for anybody.

Goodnight.

These Things

The crowd on the street walks slowly, don’t mind the rain
Lovers hold hands to numb the pain,
Gripping tightly to something that they will never own

And those by themselves by choice or by some reward
No mistakes only now you’re bored
This is the time of your life but you just can’t tell

Let make a fast plan, watch it burn to the ground
I try to whisper, so no one figures it out
I’m not a bad man, I’m just overwhelmed
It’s cause of these things, it’s cause of these things

This probably isn’t the best of song choices considering some of the rest of the lyrics tend to be a little risky; however, I love the song in every sense and I don’t know why. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I feel that way about many things- Love them and do not know why. And I think that’s the best part. If you made me think long enough, I am sure I could come up with specific reasons exactly why I like a certain thing… or even a certain person- only I don’t think you’d want me to talk all day about it. An example, a friend got me talking about music in class just recently, and this is one of the first times I was really passionate about what I was saying, and didn’t even realize how deep I took the lyrics of particular artists and/or how I related them to certain events occurring in my life right now. I enjoyed talking about something this passionately- because I haven’t done it in a while. And when it comes to how I feel about particular people, it’s been even longer.

I had a friend take a trip to Vegas of Spring Break. He is originally from L.A. So, he met up with a brother there to do some air combat training (he also has his pilot license) while the last few days of Spring Break would be spent in Vegas. He said, “I just get too bored if I stay around the house for too long.” This is my problem lately. I feel the need to be constantly on the move, learning, or doing something active. I like it- but it’s hard to fulfill these needs when I’m hours away from my closest friends and family. Not to mention I have no money to do much already. This friend of mine was leaving a casino Thursday night, and was unfortunately followed into a nearby parking garage. It was there that he was attacked, mugged, and beaten unconscious. He is fine now after spending two nights in the hospital, and he is back in class. His face was really the only thing affected by the whole situation. From his attitude about the whole thing, you would never know it happened (of course, if you failed to look at him when he talked to you). He simply says, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” Given that he could have died that night, I love that attitude. Great guy. Christian man. You should meet him. He also said, “I wouldn’t change anything about last week… except maybe having the opportunity to fight back.”

Other than Spring Break being pretty uneventful, nothing has changed in my life. I love my family. I had a great week off from school because of them. I wish I could say more about a few personal things I am struggling with, but if I’ve mentioned it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. There’s a lot I want to change, and it’ll get done.

Watch Discovery Channel’s new series: “The Human Body: Pushing the Limits.”

-Cierra Nicole
Hear it, I’m screaming it
You’re heeding to it now
Hear it! I’m screaming it!
You tremble at this sound
You sink into my clothes
And this invasion
Makes me feel
Worthless, hopeless, sick

Sixx AM

You can’t quit until you try
You can’t live until you die
You can’t learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can’t breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you’re the joke
There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I had a dream that I died. March 14, 2009…

Humor

I love Life’s humor. It has a great way of getting you to fall right back down when you’re inches away from the top. I loved this week because Life was laughing at me.

Let’s start off by restating how much I despise physics. Isn’t it true that in physics a bumblebee could not take flight? If not, then this just further demonstrates my lack of interest in the subject matter to begin with. My mind can not grasp it. Velocity, Magnitude, Speed, and Acceleration. Someone, please, tell me the difference between those four words. I cannot pick them out of a word problem (which is more like a paragraph) and place them into a formula to save my life. Even though this class proves itself in moderate difficulty to some (extreme difficulty to me), the professor takes no pity. Sometimes I do believe he could care less if his students pass, which is something that I believe defines the professor as good or bad.

Along with this so-called “physics” garbage torturing me throughout the week, I have another exciting class called Color Theory. And here I thought I was a deep person. This class is beyond deep. Here’s a topic we discussed for over an hour, and it was only cut short do to the fact the class was over: Is black and white a color? We discussed from “Yes, they are. The rods and cones of your eye picks them up and interprets them as such” to “No, they are not. In an additive light system, all the colors together produce white, yet black is the absence of light because it does not exist on the color wheel” back to “Yes, they are. The only absence of color you (don’t) see is when you shut your eyes. There, color does not exist because color only exists in your brain.” The end. So, yes, this class does a fair share of butt-kicking on me, too; however, I absolutely love this class despite its obsessive need for critical thinking. At least it makes sense to me. Now, how does that make sense?

So, I had a tough school week. Blah, blah, blah. College is supposed to be challenging or you’d never learn anything new from what you have already learned from high school. But this week in particular was extremely stressful. I truly wish Seymour High School had more funding. Maybe then would they be able to offer pre-interest college major classes such as GRAPHIC DESIGN, photography, maybe even a cosmetology class for all those girls who say that is one thing they definitely want to do, and then get into college and realize they hate it all and could care less what type of highlights brought out a person’s eye color. I’m really discouraged about that. I absolutely know nothing about Photoshop or Illustrator even… Especially when everyone else in the class has known the programs for years. Sigh. I’m behind, but so ahead at the same time. I’m old school. Pencil and paper is where it is at- Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise… (That’s what I keep telling myself.)

Anyways, Friday classes end. I’m actually excited about the fact that I had already completed most of my homework for the weekend- and by “most” I mean all. I have nothing particularly due on Monday. I just try to stay ahead for Wednesday and Friday classes. I decided that I could use the break away from school and enjoy the weekend back in Seymour. Possibly getting the chance to read “Every Young Woman’s Battle,” a new book I picked up for spiritual guidance on relationships. There is also a “Every Young Man’s Battle” by a different author. I will most likely end up reading it to see a Christian relationship from a man’s perspective, and I heard the books relate to one another very well. Basically, the woman in my book gives her testimony and then explains how Christianity is carried out in her marriage. She actually considers divorce because she believes her husband cannot fulfill all of her wants. But then her husband says something along the lines of “I am only human. If you acquired all of your wants from me, then you wouldn’t need God.” So then it goes on to explain how you have to rely on God for everything, and be thankful for what Christian relationship you are given because we are so flawed and it will never be perfect. For a few of you who are searching for the same answers, you should pick up this book. It’s relatively cheap on Amazon. Back to my story, I packed up all of my crap and threw it into the back of my car. I was excited. Haven’t been back in town for a good while, and was ready to get away from the roommates- No offense to them in any way. Right before I get out of town, just beginning to start my way down the interstate, I hear a loud sound that sounded like something had broken off my wheel and flung off onto the road. I looked in my rear-view mirror only to see cars slamming on their brakes and trying to get over. As the cars started to fly passed me, I noticed I couldn’t accelerate and then, almost suddenly, I lost control of my car- swerving across traffic on the right side into a ditch. I remind you this happened going about 70mph. Thank you, God. I had missed every car attempting to pass me, and where I had came to a stop ended up being a nice little spot for my car right off the road- Granted I was still so close to the road that I had to get out of my passenger side door. To make a long story short, I had a flat, had my car towed, and was brought back to my apartment by my brother. What a way to wrap up the week.

General thought about all of this: This sucked. After thinking further into it: Everything happens for a reason. I wasn’t meant to be out on the road that day, the Lord said so. This weekend actually turned out to be a lot better than I had originally imagined. Although I was “stuck” here, I had a lot of much needed alone time, completed even more homework, finished a novel I have been reading for the past few weeks, cleaned my room, and have had some great conversation with a few unexpected people which ended up making my day (along with becoming closer to an existing friend). Dave being one of them. He’s been the one person, oddly enough, I have kept in touch with the last few weeks about personal issues- even though it may not seem like we have talked much. I normally don’t get the chance to talk to anyone. Like I stated before in an earlier post: Over the past month, I have come to realize that I have lost contact with everyone I care for the most. This saddens me, but in no way have I tried to fix it. I have a lot going on in my life, and I would hope that they know it has nothing to do with them, it’s just me. As cliche as that sounds, I go through periods in which (I noticed) I cut off all contact with people who are close (as if in order to see what it is I am missing in life). And it usually always comes back to me being more social than I am spiritual. So, at least if you are someone who is close to me and might even read this on the regular you now know that in absence of our regular conversation, I am only spending more time with my Savior.

In the end, I wasn’t charged anything to get my car fixed- even for the tow truck- which I thought to be a little odd, but I’m not complaining… and I’ve had very revealing weekend. Finally got honest with myself. And I even noticed a few others have done the same.

Oh, the joy in finding humor in all seriousness.

-Cierra Nicole

chocolate.

Getting Personal

“In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me.”
Some of the disciples said to one another, “What does he mean by saying, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me,’ and ‘Because I am going to the Father’?”
They kept asking, “What does he mean by ‘a little while’? We don’t understand what he is saying.
Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, “Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’? I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.
-John 16:16-24

I just had to share this. I was reading this earlier and it really moved me. It was this moment that enabled us to have the personal relationship with God that we do now…