Allow Me to Introduce Myself

I’m upset tonight. Irritated and sad all at the same time. I think I need to be on anti anxiety pills. Either way, I don’t think this will ever change the fact that I am antisocial. I take that back. I don’t think I am the definition of antisocial. What I do know: I pick crowds. If it’s not my crowd… it never will be. Probably a bad quality that I shouldn’t admit, but its the truth.  I’m not a fan of asininity. Is that bad to say? Let me try to rephrase that: I’m not a fan of unintelligent people. Heh. Okay, that didn’t work the way that I thought it would. Let me, instead, try to explain what it is I am talking about:

I have never been or been a fan of girls who act stupid to get attention. There’s one. I am attracted to intelligence and intelligent humor. Wittiness, “dry” humor, sarcasm in good taste… that’s me. I like those things, and I can actually contribute to conversation. Dumb actions… people doing stupid things just to do it or maybe even to fit in… Hate it. I don’t know how to describe this at all unless you are just on the same page as I am. I’m a big stickler for being who you are and being accepted for that, and if you’re not, you’re not. Go find others who will. I am who I am and I can’t really change that… and be happy, that is. I wasn’t put on this earth to please other people. As far as I’m concerned, I was put here to please the Lord- other than that, you’d have to ask Him because I’m still not certain of my purpose. You don’t need anyone except Jesus and that pretty much is true for me. Always has been. I don’t fit in, and I will admit that with confidence. I’m kind of awkward in big crowds, I tend to feel like I am suffocating, and I blush- a lot. Pretty nerdy too often. Find interest in the most random/useless things… I absolutely love to learn- despite what it may be. And I tend to be a pessimist. That doesn’t necessarily make me the life of the party. Don’t get me wrong, I have several close friends that I feel totally comfortable doing practically anything with/in front of. But that takes a long time. Friends for me take a long time. I sort of learned the hard way in high school from one close friendship going really really wrong… and I’ve kept my distance since. I don’t want to say that the past affects a lot of how I feel/think about certain aspects of life, but it does. It has a lot to do with it. And I have tried my best to prevent it and/or work on it, but these things don’t necessarily change in one night either. Trust first. Feeling comfortable with that change is second, and then working on it comes third… and it’s a slow third place. I am trying, but some things I stand behind won’t change, and that’s just me being me. I dislike drinking- mostly in part of the fact that alcoholism runs in the family. Don’t plan on ever taking/doing any destructive drugs- mostly in part of the fact that I believe your body is a temple for Christ. And it is not often that I will be swayed in my opinion or beliefs… ever. Everyone has a vice. That’s mine.

I want to apologize to anyone I have ever hurt because of my insecurities, antisocialness, inability to trust to the fullest extent, and/or because I happen to be a stubborn bitch at times. Forgive me- and you don’t even have to tell me that you did. I am human. And with that statement comes only too much hypocrisy, void, and unfulfilled personal and impersonal expectations.

I think my writing habits are pretty funny as of late. I didn’t intend on updating as recently as I have, but I’ve noticed that I actually miss writing my thoughts more often than not. Definitely takes a lot of weight off sometimes. I will say that I have a lot of baggage, and most of it, I leave here. If I didn’t, I’d feel pretty sorry for a lot of the people I hang out with on the regular. Probably wouldn’t be that nice- which sucks more for who? That I don’t know. Me and them equally.

I had a bad night tonight. I didn’t want things to end the way they did. But when its two bulls and olny one fight to win… the horns eventually clash- more than once.

-Cierra Nicole

I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am…
Fine

Still In Repair

Last night was quite possibly one of the best nights I have had in years. The simplicity of it was phenomenal. It was easy. It was love.
My brother is sick again. For all of you who might not know, he was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis(UC) last year. If you don’t think you are familiar with this condition, you are if you know Aaron Case. I’ve seen this condition do so much damage already. First, I started to attend this wonderful church known as Southside Baptist Church where I continued to meet some of the best mentors of my life: Aaron and Jamie Case and Dave Cross (Don’t get too big of a head, Dave.) From that moment on, I witnessed Aaron affected by this condition more than once, which also affected his lovely wife, Jamie. It was hard for me to understand how such good people were affected by such a non forgiving disease. What was even harder to understand was their attitude toward it… And how their faith in our Lord Jesus Christ never faltered. I admire that more than anything. Even I continue to struggle with understanding all of God’s intentions. If you haven’t had the chance to meet these three people mentioned above, you should.
Last year, when I thought my brother may possibly have Crohn’s Disease, I hit a really low point in my life. I was praying more than ever, but I questioned God’s intentions even more. Fortunately, my brother wasn’t diagnosed with Crohn’s but with it’s brother disease… And I don’t think I ever truly expressed how grateful I was to have Aaron and Jamie in my life during that time. I only hope they know how much they were needed. I miss them even now. I haven’t been to church in longer than I can remember, and it’s hard for me. I have already made plans to change that this summer, but I can’t help but feel guilty that it hasn’t been a number one priority.

Last night, I spent the whole evening with my brother for the first time in ages. For a few hours, there was no Brenna nor anyone else except my brother and myself. We went for a drive, went shopping for a portable hard drive, which was really just a good excuse to satisfy my brother’s need to investigate every electronic sold at BestBuy and Target, and I was able to show him some of my latest digital work. We had serious conversation ranging from college, relationships, the Lord, and one of the things my brother and I thank God for the most: our parents. Needless to say, I didn’t accomplish anything class related that night even though I had intended to just use their computers for an assignment due next week. I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. Family is too good, people. Love is an amazing thing. I’d be devastated if anything ever happened to any part of my family, but I do believe God has some amazing plans in store for me, and I cannot wait to figure out what it is.

If anything, get out this weekend. Do something outside your normal routine and just look at the world as God intended you to see it. There is so much beauty in it all. Just open your eyes.

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

-Cierra Nicole

Helden

Du
Könntest Du schwimmen
Wie Delphine
Delphine es tun
Niemand gibt uns eine Chance
Doch können wir siegen
Für immer und immer
Und wir sind dann Helden
Für einen Tag

Ich
Ich bin dann König
Und Du
Du Königin
Obwohl sie
So unschlagbar scheinen
Werden wir Helden
Für einen Tag
Dann sind wir Helden
Für einen Tag

Ich
Ich glaub’ das zu träumen
die Mauer
Im Rücken war kalt
Die

This is a wonderful song. I encourage everyone to listen to it at least once… As for me, I’ve listened to it more than twenty times tonight, but I’ve also had this CD on repeat for the last few hours while trying to finish up a vector project of mine. I love the lyrics to this song almost more than I love the wound of it. No, I cannot speak or read in German, but I have looked at a few of its translations online. Its about becoming a hero. I kind of feel like the song is saying you become a hero by being different, by being you. You are triumphant in that way.

Just a thought. I have nothing else to think about tonight except lyrics. My homework doesn’t necessarily require much thinking. Just concentration. And too much of that is never good for anybody.

Goodnight.

And I don’t know what it is…

I’m not alone, I wish I was.
Cause then I’d know
I was down because
I couldn’t find
a friend around
To love me like
they do right now.
They do right now.

When autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
It just walks in
where it left you last.
And you never know
when it starts
Until there’s fog inside the glass around
Your summer heart.

Something’s missing
And I don’t know how to fix it.
Something’s missing
And I don’t know what it is
At all.

I can’t be sure that this state of mind is not of my own design.
I wish there was an over-the-counter test
for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.

These Things

The crowd on the street walks slowly, don’t mind the rain
Lovers hold hands to numb the pain,
Gripping tightly to something that they will never own

And those by themselves by choice or by some reward
No mistakes only now you’re bored
This is the time of your life but you just can’t tell

Let make a fast plan, watch it burn to the ground
I try to whisper, so no one figures it out
I’m not a bad man, I’m just overwhelmed
It’s cause of these things, it’s cause of these things

This probably isn’t the best of song choices considering some of the rest of the lyrics tend to be a little risky; however, I love the song in every sense and I don’t know why. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I feel that way about many things- Love them and do not know why. And I think that’s the best part. If you made me think long enough, I am sure I could come up with specific reasons exactly why I like a certain thing… or even a certain person- only I don’t think you’d want me to talk all day about it. An example, a friend got me talking about music in class just recently, and this is one of the first times I was really passionate about what I was saying, and didn’t even realize how deep I took the lyrics of particular artists and/or how I related them to certain events occurring in my life right now. I enjoyed talking about something this passionately- because I haven’t done it in a while. And when it comes to how I feel about particular people, it’s been even longer.

I had a friend take a trip to Vegas of Spring Break. He is originally from L.A. So, he met up with a brother there to do some air combat training (he also has his pilot license) while the last few days of Spring Break would be spent in Vegas. He said, “I just get too bored if I stay around the house for too long.” This is my problem lately. I feel the need to be constantly on the move, learning, or doing something active. I like it- but it’s hard to fulfill these needs when I’m hours away from my closest friends and family. Not to mention I have no money to do much already. This friend of mine was leaving a casino Thursday night, and was unfortunately followed into a nearby parking garage. It was there that he was attacked, mugged, and beaten unconscious. He is fine now after spending two nights in the hospital, and he is back in class. His face was really the only thing affected by the whole situation. From his attitude about the whole thing, you would never know it happened (of course, if you failed to look at him when he talked to you). He simply says, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” Given that he could have died that night, I love that attitude. Great guy. Christian man. You should meet him. He also said, “I wouldn’t change anything about last week… except maybe having the opportunity to fight back.”

Other than Spring Break being pretty uneventful, nothing has changed in my life. I love my family. I had a great week off from school because of them. I wish I could say more about a few personal things I am struggling with, but if I’ve mentioned it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. There’s a lot I want to change, and it’ll get done.

Watch Discovery Channel’s new series: “The Human Body: Pushing the Limits.”

-Cierra Nicole
Hear it, I’m screaming it
You’re heeding to it now
Hear it! I’m screaming it!
You tremble at this sound
You sink into my clothes
And this invasion
Makes me feel
Worthless, hopeless, sick

Sixx AM

You can’t quit until you try
You can’t live until you die
You can’t learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can’t breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you’re the joke
There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I had a dream that I died. March 14, 2009…

Refuge

I pray for better days to come
I pray that I would see the sun
Because life is so burdensome
When everyday’s a rainy one

But suddenly there’s no more clouds
I believe without a doubt
That heaven sent an angel down
And then he turned my life around

You know and I know
Friends come and friends go
Storms rise and winds blow
But one thing I know for sure

When it’s cold outside
There’s no need to worry because
I’m so warm inside
You give me peace
When the storm’s outside
Because we’re in love I know
It’ll be alright
Alright, it’s alright

Darkness Walks Beside Me

Who am I? The last few days I have been choosing random blog posts I have written over the year… years even. Wow, I was one depressing soul. Where was God during that? Here. He just wasn’t acknowledged. So, back to current news, I’ve been officially moved in for about… Well, a month this weekend. Exciting. Intense. Many things. I love it. I was a real pessimist about the whole thing- not gonna lie- but it turned out to be better than anything I could have imagined. Better than anything I had expected even when I was thinking it would be great. Here’s something you learn pretty fast when you move out: Self-respect (and laundry). I’ve learned more about myself in the last three weeks than I have about anyone else in years.

So, I talked to God yesterday. It was about time. I was wondering why I was feeling so crushed by everything going on in my life, and I realized it was because I wasn’t letting Him help me carry it. College is the biggest test… I would think any Christian faces at this point in their lives. So many temptations and too many distractions. It’s unbelievably easy to get caught up in this life. And it doesn’t even last forever… This, my friends, is my weakness.

I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12:9-10)

The fact that God’s power is displayed in the weak is pretty encouraging. Though we realize our limitations, we will turn to God to see pathways for effectiveness. In admitting our weaknesses, we simply affirm God’s strength. And in that way, I feel God’s presence even that much more in my life. Back to the part of being caught up in life… It is extremely easy to let worldly things devour every part of your consciousness. No joke. School, friends, lovers, even past relationships will all come to haunt you- even if you welcome it. Its not easy to juggle it all, and no one ever said it would be, but it’s all about priorities. That is another thing I struggle with. Have you heard that “Life is a Temporary Assignment?”

Lord, remind me of how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered, and that my life is fleeing away. (Psalm 39:4)

So, when we flirt with the temptations of this world, God likes to call it Spiritual Adultery. Yeah, I can’t do anything right when it comes to being a devoted Christian, it seems. I’m trying. Don’t indulge your ego at the expense of your soul. This explains (and this just occurred to me- maybe I’m behind) why some of God’s promises seem unfulfilled, some prayers seem unanswered, and some circumstances seem unfair. In order to keep us from becoming too attached to earth, God allows us to feel a significant amount of discontent and dissatisfaction in life. (And I am always complaining?) This isn’t the end. At death, we won’t leave home- we’ll go home.

All that is not eternal is eternally useless. – C.S. Lewis

I’ve been so caught up in myself lately, and it’s not a good feeling. After letting it all go, I started to realize the lives of everyone around me. It seems as if every person is struggling with something. No one’s problem is any worse or less than the other. I do a fair amount of praying, but I feel it isn’t enough. I would love to have more words of encouragement for every one of them. But I find myself telling them to talk to God about it, and I only hope they do. Turn to God, people. He listens. Let it go. I’m praying for all of you. And I love you all. I have more I could probably say about a few things new and old that keep popping up every day, but I’m leaving you with this:

Anyone who holds on to life just as it is, destroys that life. (John 12:25)

-Cierra Nicole

Chorus of angels, destroy my silence,
That haunts me, It claims me,
While darkness walks beside me.

The Air That I Breathe

I will not relent, No, no
Never live with defeat, never falter
This like the air that I breath
I will not choke on failure

I am a mortal man
But I’m not falling, I’m not broken yet
I am a mortal man
But I’ll hold tight to my beliefs now

I have suffered defeat, pain, loss
Still I push to the edge, never falter
For this cements my beliefs
I’ll remain my own master

And these are the lyrics that remind me of you.

This Darkened Heart

And this is how it feels when my
Skin resents the blood inside of me
And this is where I dream when I
Rewrite the words you left for me
And this is what I have become since
Loneliness was the only thing left to feel
And this is how I now bleed when I
Make believe the pain is no longer real

Take this from me
I can’t do this on my own
Are you listening
I know I’m not alone

And this is how it appears when
Conceptions of life conquer my mind
And this is what happens when
A new scale of turbulence occurs this time
And this is how I picture myself when I
Let guilt get the best of me
And this how I cease to exist
When I drown in my own misery

-cnr