General

So, I was informed recently that I never write in this anymore… and that I should because I am bound to always have an audience. I’m not so sure if I agree with the second part of the statement as much as I do the first half- for it is the most obvious.

Probably the number one reason why I have not felt the urge to update on anything on my life as of late: Because I honestly have no idea how I necessarily feel about anything. Actually, that’s a lie. I do know how I feel about almost everything occurring/has occurred in  life the last passed year or so. The problem I am having is converging my multiple stand points on everything into one single idea/position- to at least where I don’t sound completely hypocritical.

I’m celebrating my 21st birthday tomorrow evening-technically today considering the time- and I’m pretty excited about it. Of course, I celebrated it earlier this week… if you consider being locked in Johnson City and not being able to see much of my family while conintuing to go to class all day much of a celebration. Anyway, the parties tomorrow, and for some reason I am kind of surprised by the people who are attending. Well, not surprised, but for a lack of a better word for the time being it will have to do. Is it weird that I am more comfortable with Brenna’s side of the family than my own? I know that’s a weird statement, but it’s the truth all the same. My family has never really acted much like a family… My immediate family IS a family… but that family is sort of antisocial toward the rest of the family? If that makes any sense whatsoever. Regardless, I kind of like my family like that, and I would never change the fact. Like I was saying, Most of Brenna’s family will be there… considering they’ve been family for over four years, but so will some of my other family (the ones we are antisocial toward) which is weird… so weird. Almost, too weird, but just almost. So, it’s almost as if I’m introducing my new family to my old. Kind of funny to think about, I think. I guess my point- sort of- in this entire ramble is basically how fast life changes… especially in one year. Friends, ideas, and opportunities have all changed, and I think they are for the better. I know I’m happier… even though I had to go through a lot to get here- basically all of it being things people don’t necessarily like and/or agree with.

I don’t really know where I am going with this, but I will say that I still think a lot… and I’ve decided that it plagues me. After all these years, I’ve finally come to that conclusion.

Other than that, Love Jesus your Savior. Read The Inheritance Trilogy, The Shack, and Redeeming Love. And believe in something that is true to you and no one else- if you decided to tell them, of course.

-Cierra Nicole

Thorta du ilumëo!

Darkness Walks Beside Me

Who am I? The last few days I have been choosing random blog posts I have written over the year… years even. Wow, I was one depressing soul. Where was God during that? Here. He just wasn’t acknowledged. So, back to current news, I’ve been officially moved in for about… Well, a month this weekend. Exciting. Intense. Many things. I love it. I was a real pessimist about the whole thing- not gonna lie- but it turned out to be better than anything I could have imagined. Better than anything I had expected even when I was thinking it would be great. Here’s something you learn pretty fast when you move out: Self-respect (and laundry). I’ve learned more about myself in the last three weeks than I have about anyone else in years.

So, I talked to God yesterday. It was about time. I was wondering why I was feeling so crushed by everything going on in my life, and I realized it was because I wasn’t letting Him help me carry it. College is the biggest test… I would think any Christian faces at this point in their lives. So many temptations and too many distractions. It’s unbelievably easy to get caught up in this life. And it doesn’t even last forever… This, my friends, is my weakness.

I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12:9-10)

The fact that God’s power is displayed in the weak is pretty encouraging. Though we realize our limitations, we will turn to God to see pathways for effectiveness. In admitting our weaknesses, we simply affirm God’s strength. And in that way, I feel God’s presence even that much more in my life. Back to the part of being caught up in life… It is extremely easy to let worldly things devour every part of your consciousness. No joke. School, friends, lovers, even past relationships will all come to haunt you- even if you welcome it. Its not easy to juggle it all, and no one ever said it would be, but it’s all about priorities. That is another thing I struggle with. Have you heard that “Life is a Temporary Assignment?”

Lord, remind me of how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered, and that my life is fleeing away. (Psalm 39:4)

So, when we flirt with the temptations of this world, God likes to call it Spiritual Adultery. Yeah, I can’t do anything right when it comes to being a devoted Christian, it seems. I’m trying. Don’t indulge your ego at the expense of your soul. This explains (and this just occurred to me- maybe I’m behind) why some of God’s promises seem unfulfilled, some prayers seem unanswered, and some circumstances seem unfair. In order to keep us from becoming too attached to earth, God allows us to feel a significant amount of discontent and dissatisfaction in life. (And I am always complaining?) This isn’t the end. At death, we won’t leave home- we’ll go home.

All that is not eternal is eternally useless. – C.S. Lewis

I’ve been so caught up in myself lately, and it’s not a good feeling. After letting it all go, I started to realize the lives of everyone around me. It seems as if every person is struggling with something. No one’s problem is any worse or less than the other. I do a fair amount of praying, but I feel it isn’t enough. I would love to have more words of encouragement for every one of them. But I find myself telling them to talk to God about it, and I only hope they do. Turn to God, people. He listens. Let it go. I’m praying for all of you. And I love you all. I have more I could probably say about a few things new and old that keep popping up every day, but I’m leaving you with this:

Anyone who holds on to life just as it is, destroys that life. (John 12:25)

-Cierra Nicole

Chorus of angels, destroy my silence,
That haunts me, It claims me,
While darkness walks beside me.

Happy

My 19 year old cousin is officially married (since noon yesterday). Josh and Brenna are now considering building their first home together in Johnson City minutes from the college they are also attending together. My father is eating healthier in attempts to escape his family’s medical history. The family I have in Indiana (family we have not heard from since my grandfather’s funeral last summer) decided to call last week. They are finally trying to “work things out.” My cousin is now looking to Christ for answers instead of relying on her own judgment. A few of my closest friend’s are transferring to colleges they feel are ‘better’ in terms of pursuing their career. Every one of them are going to different places. My grandfather is moving in with a woman he has been seeing for almost two months- just five months after my grandmother passed away. I wore my grandmother’s wedding rings yesterday…
And I cannot afford to go to my art school.

Is everyone happy now?

These indeed seem,
For they are the actions a man might play,
But I have that within which passes show-
These but the trappings and the suits of woe.

“Hard to Get” But Making Sense

I know this isn’t news to most people, but when I realize how hard God is to get, I still get sad. Nothing about him makes any sense. Perhaps that is as it should be, He is God after all, but an expectation was set up for me during my childhood and teen years and I’m still unwinding that in many ways. I was taught very emphatically that I could, in fact, understand God, and there were three ways to do it…

First : Read the Bible because it’s like a handbook, it’s the owner’s guide to the Christian life.

I don’t think anyone who says that has actually read the Bible, to be quite honest. A few months ago our pastor preached on Sodom and Gomorrah. And Lot, who is supposed to be the righteous man in town, or at least righteous enough that he belongs to God and God makes deals with him, voluntarily offers up his virgin daughters to be raped by the men of the town. His actions are terrible on their own, but when you realize that God was going to lengths to save this man, it’s horrifying. That doesn’t help me understand God. Maybe it should, but it just doesn’t.

Second : Look to the church because they are the Body of Christ and will help in all matters of faith.

And this actually is kind of true – when the church is helpful, it can be really helpful. But when things go bad between people and church leaders, it is so very painful. A close friend of mine recently commented about being tired of seeing church leaders hurting the people she loves. And I’m tired of it too. And there is no where to go away from that. Sometimes I truly wonder if, over the course of my lifetime, the church has done more harm to my spiritual development than good. I hate admitting that, but its where I am.

Third : The still small voice of the Spirit will guide you.

Sure…expect when it guides one person one way, and another person in the opposite way. I’ve heard a lot of people do things because they felt the Spirit was leading them – and just as many people who believe they are wrong. I don’t know what to do with that.

But giving up faith is not an option. It’s part of me, deeply embedded in who I am. There is no switch to turn it on or off. It is just there.

I don’t have any neat way to tie this up. God is confusing and I don’t understand…and the things we’ve been given to help, don’t seem to work. I will leave you with this song from Rich Mullins. I like it because he doesn’t really tie things up too neatly at the end either. The song ends with, “It’s just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get” and that’s how I feel tonight. And I know this is when faith is needed the most – faith isn’t for the times of feeling certain, it’s for the unsure and cynical times. So, I suppose my prayer is, “God who I don’t understand, who does things I don’t get, who heads a family of people that don’t act like they should – please accept my small faith in you. Shelter it and help it to grow. Don’t mock it and stomp it out because its too weak. Amen”

“Hard to Get” by Jen

This person makes sense to me.

Verloren

O LORD, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.
-Psalm 88:1-3

I’m not well. Physically, I am sick, but I know it is only temporary. Emotionally, I am troubled. College is really starting to affect me. I feel like I am just not going to make it. I feel unaccomplished, worthless, a disappointment- in more ways than one. I feel alone. I determine my grades, not anyone else.
Does the walker choose the path or does the path choose the walker? – Sabriel

I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
But I cry to you for help, O LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
Why, O LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken my companions and loved ones from me;
the darkness is my closest friend…
-Psalm 88:9-18

After I read this particular section of Psalms, I just starred at the page. This verse was extremely powerful to me. After all this person suffered, he was still praying…

And I pray:
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
-Psalm 51:12

Something to think about:

And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”
-Luke 18:6-8

Much Ado About Nothing in You

Ashley, I am glad we are ahead. It feels good not to be falling behind. In class, that is. I could have very well have died on my way to school this morning- afternoon… It felt like morning. The weather was beautiful despite the wind, which is what nearly killed me. Picture a massive white truck- the ones with six wheels- in the right lane. Of course, it’s so big it nearly comes over the dotted line. Me, being the cautious person that I am, went to the left a little as I was topping the hill. Just a little. Enough to be blown by the wind to cross the double yellow lines on the left side… a whole foot or so. I felt like I wasn’t in control at that moment. And I wasn’t. I was subject to the wind. Luckily, at the end of the hill, where I was slowing to a stop, the light was red, and there was no oncoming traffic on that side. I don’t know where I am going with this story. Honestly, little things like that happen everyday. And sometimes I don’t even notice. This time I noticed. Because I wasn’t in control this time.

“Oft expectation fails, and most oft there
Where most it promises; and oft it hits
Where hope is coldest, and despair most fits.” -Shakespeare

I’m not feeling so good today. I haven’t slept well recently, which is why I got up early today even though my class wasn’t until 2:30. I am tired, but not tired enough to get my brain to shut down in order to sleep. I know I can’t think about nothing. The hardest thing I can imagine: completely focusing on nothing. Even if you imagine a blank white wall… It would still be something. I’ve been stressed lately- about what I know not. My classes are not too overwhelming at the moment. I have no complaints about how my life is playing out. Confused, of course, because I feel like I’m being pulled in a new direction. And it is so hard to just let go and go with it. Control issues, right? I don’t know…

…There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place. In spite of this, you did not trust in the LORD your God, who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go… -Deuteronomy 1:31-33

I am disappointed. I am a disappointment. I don’t know what to do right now. I don’t know which direction to take. It’s hard, and no one ever said it was going to be easy. I understand it. I just wish you could to.

Mandi, I am sorry we didn’t to go devotional searching today. I would love to tell you that I didn’t have time, but I did. I was caught up in things… I forgot to call. And I am sorry.

Kyle, I am not angry. This is why I don’t tell people what is bothering me. Because most of the time, they don’t want to hear it. Thus, *whispers* is why I have a blog.

Jamie, I know how you feel. I do now. At first, I was upset with you because you couldn’t look beyond the past. I know exactly what you were talking about the other day. I admit I wasn’t completely listening to what you were talking about because I thought you were being stubborn. I know now. I know you weren’t being stubborn at all, you were being honest. Honest with yourself. If you want to talk, I’ll listen. And I will listen this time. Sorry that I didn’t before. I was the one being stubborn. Because you didn’t see it from my perspective. And yours was the only one that really mattered…

“You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” – C.S. Lewis.

And you’re right… You are more than what you have or appear. So be it.

And thank you Elyse.

Quote

“If one day you find someone better than me,
I hope she feels the exact same way I feel when Im with you.
I hope she makes you laugh and I hope she makes you smile
but most of all, I hope that never happens because I never
want anybody to get the chance to see how amazing you are
and that smile belongs to me.”

Beautiful

A man should hear a little music, read a little poetry, and see a fine picture every day of his life, in order that worldly cares may not obliterate the sense of the beautiful which God has implanted in the human soul.

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Untitled

“I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.”

-Edgar Allen Poe

Faith

“As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.”

-Emmanual Teney