Getting Personal

“In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me.”
Some of the disciples said to one another, “What does he mean by saying, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me,’ and ‘Because I am going to the Father’?”
They kept asking, “What does he mean by ‘a little while’? We don’t understand what he is saying.
Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, “Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’? I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.
-John 16:16-24

I just had to share this. I was reading this earlier and it really moved me. It was this moment that enabled us to have the personal relationship with God that we do now…

How to Listen

I’ve been thinking about a post for the past few days… and I honestly went into this still wondering what I might have to say in it, but I thought that maybe if I started typing, I might have something to say after all.

This break has been wonderful in some ways and completely disappointing in others. First off, I’d like to mention the fact that I have an absolutely wonderful family. I thank God for that every day. I’m reminded of it every day. My parents do so much for me and my brother- even when they shouldn’t or can’t afford it. My brother treats me more as a best friend than the annoying sister I can be. His girlfriend treats me as her own sister, and her parents as if I were their own daughter. And I can honestly say I have more than one best friend that I consider part of my family whom love me just the same.

This break has been eye-opening. I, for one, have stumbled with my walk with God. I’m a few yards further behind him than I was when I went into this break. I’ve been struggling with a few personal things more than anything… Not that that is any excuse. I will admit that I doubted the Lord a few days ago. At that very moment, I doubted my own beliefs. Who am I to doubt what the Lord can do for us on this earth? Who am I to doubt what power we as Christians have on this earth? How come most Christians doubt their own power as Christians and what it is they can and have been called to accomplish during the life God has blessed them with? I am no one. I am no one without God. I will tell you the conversation that threw me into a battle of disappoint and disgust for myself:

Sarah: “You should bring Hunter to the altar so we can pray for him.”
Me: “I’d love to do that. I’d just have to convince Jackie to bring him one Sunday.”
Sarah: “Well, I believe we can heal him. We don’t realize how much power we have as Christians. I believe he will be healed right before our eyes.”
And it was that moment in which I had doubt. Why? Is it because when we only think of people being healed instantly, we only imagine it happening in the Bible? This is the same moment in which I hated myself yet loved myself knowing that God loves me so much that he has blessed His believers with this power. God loves us so much. It is so hard to even fathom how great His love is for us. The Lord is so great that he wants to heal us of suffering. He’s a jealous God. Why would He want us to be caught up in worldly things, such as disease, pain, wealth, worry, even doubt… He wants you to be all about Him, so he will take it all away if you just let Him. Give it all up. Give it all to Him. Why hang on to something that just will not last or has no meaning? This is something I have yet to learn: How to Listen. I want to be available for the Lord… so much. But I feel as if I can’t quite hear Him yet. And every time I stumble, I know why I don’t hear Him yet. I do feel He has great plans for me- just as He does for every one of His children. I don’t want to be another one of his children who become lost or so caught up in this temporary world that I miss His calling for me. To think that The Creator of it all has a special task and place, not only in this world, but in His Kingdom is truly an indescribable feeling. Who does and will ever love you more than your Lord? If there’s someone else who might answer that question for you, you might want to ask Him yourself and let Him show you who it is. I will never be satisfied with my life until I reach a point in which everything in my world is all right because my world revolves completely around the one person who brought me into it. That is something in which I struggle with daily.

I’m torn. I feel overwhelmed by school, my rent, and a job. I pray, and it does help. But then I think this: I have such a short period of time on this earth… why am I filling my life with things that are really just bettering my life, although cluttering it, when I should be saving someone else’s by telling them of their Savior, Jesus Christ? When I hear, “Make yourself available for God,” what am I to do? I know patience is key… And I’d be lying if I said I haven’t spoken to others about God while being in school… I guess I just want to do more. I’m going to wait on God for this. I think that when I am supposed to be somewhere or supposed to be doing something else, I won’t have any doubts. I won’t question it. It is a waiting game. I may just be jealous of some close friends of mine who have found their calling sooner. I’m proud of those few, by the way. If you read this, you know who you are.

I’m disappointed in the way I spent my time over this break. I did get out, and I did do a lot. I guess I am like everyone else and expect too much from people, and get hurt or disappointed. People are so flawed… in so many ways and I will leave it at that. Another reason why God’s love is so amazing. Temptation is inevitable and sin is undeniable. Keep those who you love close, but refuse to let those who you keep close destroy that love. People will hurt you. You will hurt people. It’s part of being apart of this world and fighting to not be. Do not let people surprise you (in a negative way.) Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, and you will too- repeatedly, so keep tabs on those suckers because you’ll have to come to terms with them on Judgment Day.

Here is a thought I’ll leave you with since I am unsure how to end this and not wanting to end it all at the same time. An intelligent young woman brought this to my attention. Okay, lets journey back into the Garden of Eden. It being the place where the first man, Adam, and the first woman, Eve, lived after they were created by God.They had it all, correct? Anything they could ever want, except one thing, which was forbidden. Just one thing… when they had it all. So, they disobey the Lord- everyone knows the story- and it is lost. We see here how easy it is to fall into temptation, and we also see how we as humans are never satisfied with what we do have no matter how great it is- like the Garden of Eden. Now lets think about who was behind this temptation: Satan. Do you realize how easy it would be for God to destroy him? It would be nothing to Him. Easier than it would be for us to blink our eyes yet He doesn’t. Why? Because the Lord loves us so much, he is going to allow the thing that will destroy Satan come from Eve. He is going to let it be born of a human. What Satan thinks is so weak, so vulnerable, and only continues to sin in his favor will be the one thing that destroys him…

Now do you believe in your own power?

Anyone who holds on to life just as it is, destroys that life. (John 12:25)

“Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” Psalm 51:12 (NIV)

-Cierra Nicole

Primary Concerns

A good word to describe how I have been feeling lately: Content. You know, I don’t want to be just “content” anymore. So, I was thinking today (And in all honestly I have been thinking about this for a while, but especially for the last past week.) “What is my purpose?” Sigh. No one can answer this- at least not anyone walking on this earth. A good word to describe how I am feeling this very moment: Pretty pumped (and that’s two words, excuse me). I just had one of the most uplifting Bible studies I have ever had- besides maybe the “hit-you-in-the-side-of-the-head-with-the-Bible” ones you get from going to church camp. But I have decided that the best use of life is to spend it for something that outlasts it.

No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in Heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. - Mark 13:32

Why do we spend so much time anticipating Jesus’ return when we should be focusing on fulfilling our missions before that day arrives? My purposes as a Christian: to love Him, to be a part of His family, to become like Him, to serve Him, and to tell others about Him. My purpose as an individual? Well, that I do not know. But I cannot wait to find out! As of now, I am praying that God’s sends me anyone and everyone my way just so I can introduce them to the man who has given me everything I could ever want or need- the Lord Jesus Christ! I pray he sends me football stadiums filled with people who have not yet met their Savior… I am truly on fire. Who wants to listen to me talk?!

If you don’t speak out to warn the wicked to stop their evil ways, they will die in their sin. But I will hold you responsible for their death. -Ezekiel 3:18

I have to get my priorities in order. Yes, I do love to learn. Yes, I love college. Yes, I love being young and living life to the fullest. But life does not end in this world. Life’s meaning is not fulfilled until your mission is fulfilled. There is so much more to life than this, and that is one of the most exciting things I have ever came to the conclusion of. And I want others to know it,too, so that when I stand before God one day, I can say “I lived it all for you. Mission accomplished.“

God will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.- Matthew 6:33

-cnr

 

-turning from the tremendous lie of sleep

         i watch the roses of the day grow deep.

Then David said to God, “I have sinned greatly by doing this. Now, I beg you, take away the guilt of your servant. I have done a very foolish thing.” -1 Chr 21:8

Asking for forgiveness isn’t a hard thing for me, but admitting I was foolish and trying not to use my beliefs as a crutch knowing God will forgive me… is. It’s hard not repeating the same mistakes over and over knowing how they will affect me later, knowing how much it hurts. Especially when trying to be the Christian we say we are and not creating any sort of hypocrisy. I’m working on it harder than ever. I must. If I want God to continue working through me, I have to. I have no other choice.

The world is a crazy thing. When the world tells you one thing, and your heart tells you another… Makes it hard to choose. When I am alone, everything is so clear to me. What I believe, my goals, my morals, where I stand on certain issues… and then when it comes down to it, suddenly I’m the odd man out. I can’t say that I care all that much what other people think of me, but everyone wants others to think well of them at least. And that gets rough when people think they have to act differently around you because they fear you’ll think differently of them because you choose not to drink or party, not to curse, or not to get involved with social groups who only talk about sex or drugs… When really, as a Christian, it’s a priority not to judge? I just don’t know…

Thought I’d share… maybe someone knows how I feel.

Darkness Walks Beside Me

Who am I? The last few days I have been choosing random blog posts I have written over the year… years even. Wow, I was one depressing soul. Where was God during that? Here. He just wasn’t acknowledged. So, back to current news, I’ve been officially moved in for about… Well, a month this weekend. Exciting. Intense. Many things. I love it. I was a real pessimist about the whole thing- not gonna lie- but it turned out to be better than anything I could have imagined. Better than anything I had expected even when I was thinking it would be great. Here’s something you learn pretty fast when you move out: Self-respect (and laundry). I’ve learned more about myself in the last three weeks than I have about anyone else in years.

So, I talked to God yesterday. It was about time. I was wondering why I was feeling so crushed by everything going on in my life, and I realized it was because I wasn’t letting Him help me carry it. College is the biggest test… I would think any Christian faces at this point in their lives. So many temptations and too many distractions. It’s unbelievably easy to get caught up in this life. And it doesn’t even last forever… This, my friends, is my weakness.

I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12:9-10)

The fact that God’s power is displayed in the weak is pretty encouraging. Though we realize our limitations, we will turn to God to see pathways for effectiveness. In admitting our weaknesses, we simply affirm God’s strength. And in that way, I feel God’s presence even that much more in my life. Back to the part of being caught up in life… It is extremely easy to let worldly things devour every part of your consciousness. No joke. School, friends, lovers, even past relationships will all come to haunt you- even if you welcome it. Its not easy to juggle it all, and no one ever said it would be, but it’s all about priorities. That is another thing I struggle with. Have you heard that “Life is a Temporary Assignment?”

Lord, remind me of how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered, and that my life is fleeing away. (Psalm 39:4)

So, when we flirt with the temptations of this world, God likes to call it Spiritual Adultery. Yeah, I can’t do anything right when it comes to being a devoted Christian, it seems. I’m trying. Don’t indulge your ego at the expense of your soul. This explains (and this just occurred to me- maybe I’m behind) why some of God’s promises seem unfulfilled, some prayers seem unanswered, and some circumstances seem unfair. In order to keep us from becoming too attached to earth, God allows us to feel a significant amount of discontent and dissatisfaction in life. (And I am always complaining?) This isn’t the end. At death, we won’t leave home- we’ll go home.

All that is not eternal is eternally useless. – C.S. Lewis

I’ve been so caught up in myself lately, and it’s not a good feeling. After letting it all go, I started to realize the lives of everyone around me. It seems as if every person is struggling with something. No one’s problem is any worse or less than the other. I do a fair amount of praying, but I feel it isn’t enough. I would love to have more words of encouragement for every one of them. But I find myself telling them to talk to God about it, and I only hope they do. Turn to God, people. He listens. Let it go. I’m praying for all of you. And I love you all. I have more I could probably say about a few things new and old that keep popping up every day, but I’m leaving you with this:

Anyone who holds on to life just as it is, destroys that life. (John 12:25)

-Cierra Nicole

Chorus of angels, destroy my silence,
That haunts me, It claims me,
While darkness walks beside me.

The Beautiful War

Bellum. War in Latin. Bellus. Beauty in the same language. Funny how one letter can make such a huge difference. Today is a weird day for me. Actually, today is a terrible day for me, but I am not that worried about it anymore. Not after talking to a close friend this evening. There are a lot more things in life that I could be worried or passionate about than what I was focused on earlier. God is great, by the way. I don’t think I have said this enough. I would like to say that I have, but sadly I have not. God is the only beauty in this world- I have decided. The war is worldly. “Well, I am sorry you are miserable.” Wow. I can’t believe I gave that impression to … anyone. My bad day wasn’t even all that terrible? So, I think like this: It could always get worse, and I am just thankful that it isn’t. My friend’s thoughts on the issue:

“See…and that’s another thing. Why are we still following the Bible that was SO long ago when times have obviously changed? That’s why we still have racism, sexist, bigots, and homosexuals… Not to mention all the wars. The one we are in right now.”
Because that is the World.
“No that’s religion in general.”
Religion is so vague.
“I just feel better about myself now. Like, I am not so afraid of people judging me anymore.”
As you shouldn’t.
“I’m not afraid to be me anymore. I hated feeling like I was always walking on egg shells.”
You are not afraid of having to feel guilt anymore.
“Maybe I am just not meant to believe.”

Where is the beauty in war? We are at constant war with ourselves, are we not? When do we cross a line that tells us we can finally be happy with what we are- who we are. There isn’t one, is there? I’ve been searching for it for a long time. It is like a giant brick wall you literally run into at full speed, and in no way are you prepared for the impact. Is this a realization everyone runs into at some point in their lives? Actually, I think I am greatly saddened by the ones who never do. I couldn’t even answer half of the questions this friend asked me tonight about my own faith…

It’s just Faith.
“I have never met a true Christian.”
Then you haven’t been looking.
“No one’s perfect.”
Exactly. But we don’t have to be perfect to believe. David was a man after God’s own heart, yes?
“So, God rewards us for sin?”
God rewards us for what we do for Him, not the World.

God doesn’t reward sinners even if it does seem that way sometimes. God is not out to get us. The Bible never said that life was going to be easy with Christ in it. I mean, Christ was murdered- for us. So, what do you think that means for his followers? Eternal life, and life on earth isn’t where you begin it. If we were not tested or vulnerable to temptation, how would we ever grow? He gives us the opportunity to come to Him. He presents us with situations where we can give the glory to Him, and see His good works. The Bible does say be faithful through the good days and the bad. And in that way, we will be rewarded… as Christians.

Tomorrow is 7.7.7. Apparently this has importance that I wasn’t aware of until about five o’clock this morning. I was up because of a nightmare, which is another story, but someone else just so happened to be up at that time to tell me about it. Rapture? I could only hope. We all struggle. That is nothing new. This world is broken beyond repair, and He knows it. But that doesn’t give us the right to just give up. We give a lot to God, but we can’t give our Faith to him. That is what we are here for. I have a lot to pray about tonight. My brother is getting better. That is one praise. My friend’s sister has found a place for the Lord in her heart. That’s another one. The list goes on. We are truly blessed, if we could only see it. Be the Revolution? Yes, but be the now too. If you are not living to live, then you are only living to die.

“Christians. God. Church. It’s all overrated. It’s all completely hypocritical.”

If anything, change that. Change that view on Us… for Him.

Stand your ground, putting on the sturdy belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News, so that you will be fully prepared. In every battle you will need faith as your shield to stop the fiery arrows aimed at you by Satan. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
-Ephesians 6:14-17

This is War.

Verloren

O LORD, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.
-Psalm 88:1-3

I’m not well. Physically, I am sick, but I know it is only temporary. Emotionally, I am troubled. College is really starting to affect me. I feel like I am just not going to make it. I feel unaccomplished, worthless, a disappointment- in more ways than one. I feel alone. I determine my grades, not anyone else.
Does the walker choose the path or does the path choose the walker? – Sabriel

I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
But I cry to you for help, O LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
Why, O LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken my companions and loved ones from me;
the darkness is my closest friend…
-Psalm 88:9-18

After I read this particular section of Psalms, I just starred at the page. This verse was extremely powerful to me. After all this person suffered, he was still praying…

And I pray:
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
-Psalm 51:12

Something to think about:

And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”
-Luke 18:6-8

Sweet Day

Finally finished all of my math homework for the week. Although I absolutely hate the subject, I’ve gotten a lot better at the basics and I am feeling better about it. My grades this semester have dropped. I am not doing as well as I thought I was. I guess my head really isn’t where it is supposed to be.

I had a wonderful Valentine’s Day. I ended up crying, but it was one of those good cries. A happy one. I don’t think I have ever cried from being happy. And if I have, it certainly hasn’t been recently… But I am pretty sure I have not. It was better than I expected, but probably because I have never put too much hope into them.

“I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine…” Song of Solomon 6:3

I hope everyone enjoyed there day as much as I did.

I love roses.. .
Thank you, Kyle.

Much Ado About Nothing in You

Ashley, I am glad we are ahead. It feels good not to be falling behind. In class, that is. I could have very well have died on my way to school this morning- afternoon… It felt like morning. The weather was beautiful despite the wind, which is what nearly killed me. Picture a massive white truck- the ones with six wheels- in the right lane. Of course, it’s so big it nearly comes over the dotted line. Me, being the cautious person that I am, went to the left a little as I was topping the hill. Just a little. Enough to be blown by the wind to cross the double yellow lines on the left side… a whole foot or so. I felt like I wasn’t in control at that moment. And I wasn’t. I was subject to the wind. Luckily, at the end of the hill, where I was slowing to a stop, the light was red, and there was no oncoming traffic on that side. I don’t know where I am going with this story. Honestly, little things like that happen everyday. And sometimes I don’t even notice. This time I noticed. Because I wasn’t in control this time.

“Oft expectation fails, and most oft there
Where most it promises; and oft it hits
Where hope is coldest, and despair most fits.” -Shakespeare

I’m not feeling so good today. I haven’t slept well recently, which is why I got up early today even though my class wasn’t until 2:30. I am tired, but not tired enough to get my brain to shut down in order to sleep. I know I can’t think about nothing. The hardest thing I can imagine: completely focusing on nothing. Even if you imagine a blank white wall… It would still be something. I’ve been stressed lately- about what I know not. My classes are not too overwhelming at the moment. I have no complaints about how my life is playing out. Confused, of course, because I feel like I’m being pulled in a new direction. And it is so hard to just let go and go with it. Control issues, right? I don’t know…

…There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place. In spite of this, you did not trust in the LORD your God, who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go… -Deuteronomy 1:31-33

I am disappointed. I am a disappointment. I don’t know what to do right now. I don’t know which direction to take. It’s hard, and no one ever said it was going to be easy. I understand it. I just wish you could to.

Mandi, I am sorry we didn’t to go devotional searching today. I would love to tell you that I didn’t have time, but I did. I was caught up in things… I forgot to call. And I am sorry.

Kyle, I am not angry. This is why I don’t tell people what is bothering me. Because most of the time, they don’t want to hear it. Thus, *whispers* is why I have a blog.

Jamie, I know how you feel. I do now. At first, I was upset with you because you couldn’t look beyond the past. I know exactly what you were talking about the other day. I admit I wasn’t completely listening to what you were talking about because I thought you were being stubborn. I know now. I know you weren’t being stubborn at all, you were being honest. Honest with yourself. If you want to talk, I’ll listen. And I will listen this time. Sorry that I didn’t before. I was the one being stubborn. Because you didn’t see it from my perspective. And yours was the only one that really mattered…

“You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” – C.S. Lewis.

And you’re right… You are more than what you have or appear. So be it.

And thank you Elyse.

The Living Dead

Why give up, why give in?
It’s not enough, it never is.
So I will go on until the end.
We’ve become desolate.
It’s not enough, it never is.
So I will go on until the end.

Surround me, it’s easy

to fall apart completely…

I stopped feeling sorry for myself today. Well, I guess you could technically say it was yesterday evening, but today was the first whole day I put it into practice. I talked to Mandi for a long time yesterday. Partly because I haven’t talked enough about my personal issues lately, and the other is mainly due to the fact that Mandi knows exactly where I am coming from all the time. (Thank you for calling me!) It was a much needed personal reflection and acknowledging what it was that has had me so down lately. I would have to say that Dave hit the spot the other night during our Bible study. I am always touched by these studies in some way, but this one hit home. I am feeling guilty about sins I have already been forgiven for. Maybe it is because I have honest people bluntly telling me “how it is” to me face. Or maybe it is because I have yet to leave these burdens at the cross. It is true. I have baggage-like most. Why haven’t I been able to leave it where it should be- before God? And last night, it hit me. It’s okay. I am human. I make mistakes… and I have to choose not to repeat them- not just ask for forgiveness every time I do. I have to want to make a change. And I don’t think I was ready to. Fear, acceptance, tentative, refraining from… whatever you want to call it, I was doing it. I have always said (as if it were not even in question) “I am not affected by other people.” What a joke. I never realized how much people do affect me. Well, I have to say I am proud of the things I have done against peer pressure and what close friends have tried to push me to do. (Galatians 6:4-5) I had self-control. At the end of the night, I could pray and glorify God for the choices I made and the rewards I received from it, instead of asking for forgiveness. And that, that feeling, is one of the greatest feelings. I don’t think there is any other time where I feel proud to be a Christian as in that very moment. When I can tell God about it. So, why have I waited so long to feel that good again?- all the time… We live to die- do we not? Living the Christian life to obtain eternal life in God’s kingdom. So, why die if we don’t live it?

So, Mandi… I have found the perfect Bible verse to go along with our conversation yesterday. And God works in the craziest ways. I basically opened up my Bible to it.

Galatians 5:19-26

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy, drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

We have to put on “the armor of Light.” (Romans 13:11-14)

We can’t obtain them by trying to get them without his help. You will never be happy until you are happy with your relationship with God.